VIDEO ➤➤➤ UN: OIL CHANGE

[nachocheese]

[ Nacho's face appears on video. He looks stressed. That's not really unusual. He often looks stressed!

What is unusual is the specific way that he looks stressed right now. It's hard to tell because the shift isn't drastic, and his skin is on the tanner side anyway, but if you closely you can see that he's... maybe blushing? A little?

He rubs a hand over the back of his shaved neck and takes a deep breath. He looks away, momentarily, from the screen. Then back. ]

Sooooo.... [ Shit. ] Hey. Uh. There's, like, a lot of kids and shit here, right? Teenagers? People who didn't go to normal school? [ He swallows. ] Wait. Hang on. I didn't mean to swear in front of... uh... in front of all the kids.

[ Nacho pauses. Tries to think about how he wants to word this. He switches tactics. Blunt is better for this. No sense beating around the bush. ]

Hey. Listen up.

I know this might not be a good time for it, but I'm not sure there's gonna ever be, and if you ask me, a lot of you need to hear it. If I don't say it now, I don't think I'm gonna, and some of you really, really should not be parents.

You feel me?

[ He hesitates. Even longer. He can't believe he's doing this. But he has become Concerned (TM). ]

You're all officially enrolled in Nacho Varga School of Sex Ed.

First thing, don't have sex. Don't have sex in the missionary position. Don't have sex standing up. Just... don't have sex. You're gonna get pregnant. And die.

But, if you have sex, wear a condom. If you don't know what a condom is because they don't have anything like that where you're from, it's like a little bag that goes over your [ he whistles, and makes a vulgar hand gesture that a lot of people would probably be able to peg as a symbol for 'boner' ]. It helps make it so you don't have kids. And if you don't know what a condom is because you're too young, then you shouldn't even be listening to this.

Next. You gotta get consent. That means you can't just do things without asking. Not unless you wanna get knifed. Do you wanna get knifed? [ Silence; slightly intimidating, knowing look into the camera. ] Yeah, that's what I thought.

Okay. Last thing. Never go ass to mouth. That's how you get diseases. And die. Just don't do it.

That's, uh, yeah. That's it, I think. Peace.

[ There's one final vision of Nacho's bright-red face, and then the screen goes completely dark. ]

Comments

un: sling shot | video

[slippin]

[ Jimmy's not really sure what he's witnessing here, and by the end of it "possession in progress" kind of seems like the easy money. Or maybe someone's got a gun on Nacho just out of frame. Well, a sword, knowing this crew.

Whatever the details, it's definitely a cry for help, and as a matter of both self-preservation and general policy he does his best to ignore those.

...on the other hand, is he not also a victim here? Did he not just listen to every last word of that? Is the phrase Nacho Varga School of Sex Ed not still rolling around in his head, spinning endlessly like a penny in one of those donation funnels?

So the video opens simply: with Jimmy raising his hand. ] Mr. Varga? Professor? Doctor? [ His tone is exceedingly polite. ]

[nachocheese]

[ There's an irritated huff. And a glare. Not a dangerous glare, just...

'Goddamn it, Jimmy,' kind of glare. Nacho folds in his lips. Professor? Seriously?

If this is bait, Nacho is clearly going to take it. ]

I'm not a-- [ He stops himself. ] What is it?

un: manic marbles | video

[saintclaire]

[Kim looks openly baffled. Unlike Jimmy, there is no attempt to be polite, even if she is, unfailingly, civil:]

If any of this is actually new information to anyone here, regardless of age, please see just about any adult here that isn't Nacho Varga.

[And, more directly to Nacho:]

Was this really necessary?

un: oil change | video

[nachocheese]

[ Unlike with Jimmy, Nacho is a bit more sheepish than annoyed with Kim. Because he's maybe just a tiny bit intimidated by her. Who wouldn't be?

He does find it in him to give her a tiny smile and roll his shoulders in a shrug, though. ]

That depends. Define "necessary."

video | un: pillar of the heavens

[inkfire]

[ have a bemused mo ran, who looks cheeky and boyish most of the time but is frowning at all of this ]

What kind of sex education is this? I thought you were going to talk about actual sex, not this. If anyone wants practical sex advice, talk to me.

Telling kids not to do it. They do it all the time, how are you going to stop them?

[ he rolls his eyes ]

What's a condom? Do we have them here?

video | un: pillar of the heavens

[nachocheese]

"Actual sex?" And that means...?

[ He does have the decency to look embarrassed, though, until Mo Ran seems to not know what a condom is. His expression shifts from embarrassed to slightly amused. ]

Dunno, kid, if you don't know what a condom is, I'm not sure anybody should be going to you.

video, un: dam it to hell

[vestments]

( what the actual fuck. there is a lot to unpack here and frankly, marc doesn't have a clue. what is this? who is this? why is this?

bemusement shifts into wryness, and dryly— ) —I hear some people are into knives.

audio, un: oil change

[nachocheese]

Yeah, I hear some people are into feet, too, but I'm not gonna tell the kids about that. This is just the basics.

1/3

[reparo]

[ Did she die? Go to hell? This is more painful than Lan Wangji giving the sex talk to the villagers in Ke-Waihu. ]

audio; 2/3

[reparo]

Who has time to have sex in the middle of all of this?

audio; 3/3

[reparo]

And for the matter, speaking of [condoms] contraceptives, I doubt that those exist and are available for purchase in Akhuras.

video; un: owllady

[traaaaaash]

Okay, you have got to get a little more creative with things.

video;

[nachocheese]

[ Nacho is tempted to ask, "Creative how?" but he decides he doesn't want to know. ]

Hey, lady, this is a public service. Not an art project.

video | un: wooden sword

[vdovy]

This is so hetero-normative. Not all sex involves a penis.

Tell them about dental dams.

audio;

[reparo]

Oh! Yes - also this!

un: absterge

[downswing]

Shameless. Unnecessary. Obscene.

un: sling shot

[slippin]

There's your pull quote!

video: Lockwood

[recklessenough]

[ Between Hatisse and now this? It does take a lot to get Lockwood to the point of facepalming, but it can happen. ]

I had not thought our circumstances could get any worse. Next time I'll know not to tempt fate with such ways of thinking.

audio, un: oil change

[nachocheese]

Yeah, stupid you.

un: average sighren, video

[lanclan]

[ ... That all seems very insistent for no good reason. ]

Did something prompt this [ ??? what should he call it? ] public service announcement?

[nachocheese]

[ lbr this whole post exists for no good reason ]

Maybe.

video | un: slothbaby

[cosplayqueen]

[Kamala is just sitting here in stunned silence. Because wow. He really went there. Eventually, she does decide to just ramble through this with Nacho/everyone listening.] Wow okay. Maybe I should have stopped listening after I found out this was a sex ed class... There's just so much to unpack here.

For starters, no one tells my mom if she shows up I listened to this. She's going to kill him, then me, and then any adult who looks even remotely responsible for anyone under the age of 18. I know you wouldn't guess because I'm so cute and lovable, but she's terrifying. So yeah. Death is coming for us if she ever finds out.

On the plus side, my brother will be really happy you're willing to knife creeps for us, Mr. Varga! You have that going for you. He may be able to get Ammi to show mercy on you especially since you started this with how we shouldn't have sex! She'd probably appreciate you pointing out we're going to die too even if I don't think that's right.

Anyways, I think this actually went better than when our gym teacher tried to talk to us about it.

Total sidenote, how many teens are here?! I seriously thought it was just me and America. What are their names? I'd totally say hi. Platonically. I'm not ready for all that stuff you were talking about.

video;

[reparo]

[ pops in to wave hello very tentatively. ]

I think it depends on your definition of a teen, Kamala. Considering all that we've been put through in this place, however, I'm inclined to say that the vast majority of us young adults [ pointedly using this term, because teens who are forced to grow up fast should not be called children by boomers anyone. ] have had to do fast growing up...

[NOT HERE]

[northerndragon]

LMFAO

[nachocheese]

♥ ♥ ♥

video | un: starlingroad

[starlingroad]

I've been more concerned about figuring out this time stuff and staying alive. [ She bites her bottom lip trying to just forget the last part. ] I'm definitely not thinking of ass to mouth stuff.

I'm going to skip your school unless you have wildness survival?

video | un: oil change

[nachocheese]

[ Hearing adorable, innocent little America say the words "ass to mouth" makes Nacho deeply reconsider what he's just done. He turns scarlet once again. Oh, no. What has he done? ]

America! I...

Uh. Maybe a little. Not much of a "wilderness" guy. But I can try.

un: wisdom

[mashiara]

Nacho Varga, is it?

( pendant too close to really tell how crossed her arms are, but Nynaeve is looking anything but impressed. this isn't the forum she'd select for anyone to talk about sex in the first place, but given the teenagers she's seen here are all female, this is just patently... terrible. what in the worlds drove him to open his mouth on the subject in the first place? )

Have you ever informed anyone about safe sexual intimacies before now? ( a pause for a beat. ) If so, apologise to all of them the next time you see them. Apologise right now, even where they can't hear.

[nachocheese]

Uh. Yeah. You are?

[ Yeah, he clearly did not think this all the way through. ] I, uh. This is actually the first time I've ever tried anything like this, soooo...

[ That was probably obvious, though, presumably? ]

un: mansbane

[bravelyrunsaway]

Do dive into how some prefer derriere to mouth, with clean partners. Takes all kinds.

( sounding mildly amused, and looking patently amused. )

Love, what was inspiring you to thoughts about how everyone should stay sweetly hands on for themselves alone?

[nachocheese]

I really, really don't want to, man. Maybe you could.

[ At least this guy seems to find it funny! That's better than the alternative. ]

Oh, you know. I just thought maybe people could use a distraction. That's all.

un: bottled up inside | video;

[deescalate]

[Cal chews on a thumbnail for a second.]

I mean, I wouldn't call myself an expert or anything, but I'm pretty sure there are some holes in this logic.

[nachocheese]

Cool username. You need to get shit off your chest?

[ Usually he wouldn't comment on that kind of thing but it's hard not to with it staring him in the face like that. As for the guy's actual comment: ]

Such as?

un: headless ragdoll | audio

[matermali]

[ This really is a world like no other. Of all the timing...? She can hear Joan laughing until she's hoarse if she had lived to hear of this sort of...announcement. She would appreciate some of the darker humor. Yet she could also imagine a priest speaking like this, only completely serious. ]

Enlightening. Do you have any other lessons to impart to keep us from sin?

[nachocheese]

Yeah. Don't do drugs.

[ This piece of advice is, at once, a dark joke only he gets, and something he is completely serious about. ]