eastbound | video; un: hide-and-seek

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video; un: hide-and-seek

[ Clara's sitting as privately as it's going to get in the Mouse House, still a little breathless. Not from exertion, but from realizing she might've heard something she shouldn't. She can't know for sure, but her gut tells her it's important. Her first instinct is to find the Doctor and tell him, but she'd done the first thing he'd asked her not to and wandered off. As always.

In need of semi-fresh air, she'd waited until he was busy talking to someone else before quickly excusing herself, walking away before the Doctor could protest. She'd walked a few blocks toward the ports when she'd overheard a small group talking about a person named Cain. The way the apparent co-workers tensed and glared at her when spotted, made her feel as if the complaining hadn't been meant to be heard by anyone, not just her. Back inside, she's decided to share what she overheard when she doesn't spot the Doctor right away. Whipping out her new device she takes a minute or two to understand how it works before her face pops up on the screen. ]

Hullo, I'm Clara. Met some of you during the [ Her free hand waves around vaguely. ] events. I'm not sure what is and isn't important here, but a talking fox told me I needed to make tea to get out of a murder house, so who am I to decide what everyone should or shouldn't know?

[ Either someone tells her not to worry about it, or she's given out something everyone needs to know. She should really wait for the Doctor, but there's no going back now that she's announced it. ]

Went outside and overheard two people talking about someone named Cain do..brick? [ She can't quite remember how it was pronounced, but hopefully, she's close enough. ] They've done something to make an employer angry enough to hit an employee after getting off the phone with Cain. Something about an offer involving parts and grease for Minaras and Eidris. There was more, but I'm not sure if this means anything or not. The people talking about it got pretty upset when they saw me, so I thought it might be worth mentioning.

[ There's a pause as she decides to wrap things up. ]

In case none of this matters, quick question. If you've met the Doctor, what was your first impression, please? [ There's a quick, cheeky and teasing smile that suggests knowing him before the video ends. ]

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[ Clara wouldn't question it either. She's alive. Her features soften and she smiles, touched with sadness. ]

That he does. [ There's a pinched quality to her voice, but she swallows hard and takes a deep breath, letting it out immediately in a sigh. ]

I guess it's taking time to sink in that I somehow grew ten times my size, and just before that, had to out-maneuver a dragon. I almost drowned? [ The sentence comes out as a question because for a little while, she'd actually forgotten about that one. ] There's more, the same stuff everyone else went through. It's a lot for one day, even when you've traveled with the Doctor.

[ The fear and shock have worn off, but she hasn't crossed the threshold to 'everyday life' yet. ]

[ River chuckles, a quiet sound with more warmth than humor behind it. Her voice is just as soft when she answers. ]

I think I got into more trouble without him than I did with him. And don't you dare tell him I said that.

[ Even if she knows full well he's probably paying very close attention to every response Clara's getting. He can't help himself. Of course, she's hardly better, so maybe it isn't fair of her to criticize. ]

How long have you been with him now?

He won't hear it from me.

[ The message is public, so she knows it doesn't mean much. But she's still got a smile in her voice when she says it. It fades though, and she takes a few seconds to respond. When she does, she's gone private. Sorry, Doctor. ]

He just regenerated. When I showed up on the beach here, I'd already spent a day chasing him all over London while he tried to put as much distance between us as possible. And then waking up down here and seeing him again...[ For the second time she trails off, but this time she doesn't pick up the end. She's mostly cried out, she just doesn't know the right words to put with the emotion, yet. ]

[ River's silence lasts much longer. Part of her wants to reassure Clara, comfort her even. She knows that feeling well, facing a whole new Doctor and having to work out where and how you fit all over again. And part of her just wants to know why the Doctor's friends have such a hard time seeing him for who he is.

He hasn't changed. He's still the Doctor.

But finally, she sighs, barely audible. ]

I know it's difficult, Clara, but he's still in there, this Doctor. And oh, Clara... [ She doesn't know how to tell her what she'll mean to him without telling her more than she should know, so she changes tactics. ]

And this Doctor, well...he's young.

[ There's a soft fondness to her words, so much familiarity. ]

He still has so much to learn, and we have so much to keep from him, don't we?

How do you do it? How do you keep from telling him everything? [ Clara will because she must, but that doesn't mean it isn't burning a hole in her. ]

I want to keep him safe from so much, and I can't.

[ The suddenness of the Doctor regenerating, the lack of ever being told what would and could happen when he did — there'd been nothing to prepare her for it. She hadn't known what to do or what he needed. Had no clue that her face would leave such an imprint on him. Maybe by the time she goes back, she'll understand. ]

No one ever told me I'd have to deal with a Scot.

[ Again, there's precious little amusement behind her soft laugh. Her husband's face is so clear in her mind. As angry, as hurt, as she still is, it's hard not to miss where they were. ]

He taught me well.

[ Best not to mention she'd had a few lessons before she met him. The reality of her upbringing is a conversation for another day. ]

I was never the only one with secrets, Clara. When I met him, he knew everything about me. Then little by little he forgot, all but one thing.

He knew, you know. He always knew. How my story ended.

[ She's not sure this is helpful. ]

These were always his rules. We kept secrets from each other because the truth might risk the lives we'd already had. Because I wouldn't trade a day with him. Would you?

Never.

[ The answer is quick and easy. She would never give a second away when it comes to her time with him. River only makes Clara want to hug her. ]

It doesn't surprise me that he knew. It makes sense, why he couldn't tell you about me. The day I brought you up, it was because I found a book in the TARDIS. I asked him who Professor Song was and he didn't even look at me. Just said an archaeologist in that tone where you know not to ask any more questions. Not the one where if you pester he'll finally give in. The one where he'll snap if you keep going.

[ It isn't an excuse for him, but context matters and now she understands. It wasn't just that she died. He knew how she died, the when and where, and she didn't. ]

So, I never asked again.

[ She hums soft approval. They keep secrets from him because they must, because they love him, because neither of them would ever give him up regardless of the cost. ]

He doesn't like endings.

[ It isn't an excuse, but it's the one she's always allowed him. Somehow she'd thought if she kept saying it, it might sting less that he'd never said goodbye. ]

It would be nice if he mentioned me now and again.

You deserve to be mentioned. River, you deserve to be known.

[ Clara's words are just words, and River doesn't even know her, not really. Whether or not they help, she isn't sure, but she means them. ]

He can't run from conversations here. At least not very far.

Oh, don't worry about that, sweetie. There are stories about me. I'm a legend in some star systems.

[ It doesn't compare, the occasional minor footnote suggesting she might be the Doctor's wife, when the man himself can scarcely be bothered to mention her. But it's her life.

There's a hint of a smile in her voice when she adds, ] And I think we're both figuring that out.

You know, he can't run from you either.

[ Clara laughs just a little on her end of the line. She likes River; averting stabbing mannequins together hadn't really given them time to bond. ]

I can see it. I mean, the hair alone should be famous.

[ Her laughter trails off and she has to think about that before she shrugs to herself, trying to tell a convincing lie to her heart, that it hadn't hurt when he pushed her away, not at all. ]

I dunno what there is to run toward. [ Her own words make her palms feel like they're sweating and she bites at the inside of her cheek. ] I don't know if he needs me with him or if he needs someone else. Jenny? Vastra? God forbid, Strax.

[ There isn't a part of her that doesn't want to be there for him, and now maybe she can. ] Not to sound like I'm having a tantrum, but he's been frustrating and that's not the Doctor I've known. [ A beat. ] He's frustrating, but not so bloody maddening he makes me want to slap him into a new personality.

[ River laughs in turn, genuine and warm, but she falls back into silence as Clara continues and tries to choose her words carefully once she's finished. ]

He's still the same man.

Vastra and Jenny, even Strax, they've been good friends to him. But they don't belong with him.

[ She knows how hard it can be, but she wants Clara to understand. The more he pushes them away, the more he needs them. ]

The Doctor and I, we've been together a long time. This face, he's the one I married. But the one you've just left, I had a marriage with him.

He never gets any less frustrating. The man is impossible.

[ River's words resonate: They don't belong with him. He runs and he runs, she's always known he does that. She'd never considered that he trusted her enough to know what to do without explaining anything. ]

This is the first time he's ever actively run away from me. He spent so much time looking for me, then without warning, he was so different — [ It semi-clicks then. She remembers how disappointed Vastra had seemed in Clara and Jenny's gentler approach, using her own wife as an example.

I don't like her, ma'am. I love her. And as to different? Well, she's a lizard. He'd pushed her away and Clara had let him, gotten angry instead of really tried to understand. ]

I panicked. He didn't make sense, made me question if he even wanted me there. [ She'd listened to him, heard him mumble words that have more context now. ] I know that isn't a very good excuse, not when it comes to the Doctor. [ Clara ponders River's statement, that she got to have her actual marriage with this new face, the angry eyebrows. ]

Good to know some things don't change, though. [ There's a faint smile in her voice. ] And if you spent a marriage with him, he must not be all bad. [ Rubbing her face, Clara sighs softly. ]

Ran off and let a dinosaur loose in London. Like chasing down a toddler. Is it always like this after he regenerates?

Well, that happens from time to time.

[ It doesn't make it easier, but it's the truth. And she can offer Clara that now. The Doctor that's here with them now may not have caught up to her, but she's as far as she'll ever get. That chapter's already been closed. Half-truths and lies are only a game now, not a necessity. ]

He always wants us there, and that frightens him. [ When she chuckles, it's a little bitter. ] Why do you think I ended up in a Library? I scare him to death. And so do you, Clara.

[ The trick is knowing when to chase after him, but that's something Clara will learn on her own. ]

But yes. And no. Every regeneration is different. It's terrifying and it's exhilarating, everything is brand new, your body, your senses. You're learning to experience the world all over again.

[ The bitterness is just barely audible, but can Clara really blame her? The Doctor took away River's choice and now she exists but not. An echo, like Clara, only the Doctor can't find her again once she's gone from Serthica. It isn't fair, not in Clara's mind, but she has enough self-awareness not to say it. He loved so much he was selfish, and wasn't Clara, too? When it came to the Doctor's end he'd accepted it, and she hadn't been able to let him go.

She doesn't want to bring that up, not yet.

Instead, she focuses on the way River talks about regeneration. Like she knows. ]

Are you a Time Lord? Lady? [ Time Person? Personally, she thinks it's a silly, self-important title, but that's an entirely different conversation. ]

Not exactly.

[ Which clarifies...not much of anything. ]

But I'm not exactly human either. [ There's a short silence, time for her to consider how much she wants to tell and the best way to tell it. ] Yes, I'm more like him than I am you.

I can't regenerate, not anymore, but I have a few times.

If it makes you feel better, my parents were both human.

[ The answer is...unclear but Clara can easily accept 'it's complicated.' ]

Two humans made a sort-of-but-not-really part Time Lady. Got it. But not being able to regenerate, is that because you've got human in you?

[ Clara really has no idea. She knows the Doctor, and she would say she knows him well. But anything that had to do with River, it's not in his diary, he never talks about her. ]

Sorry, if there's any of this you don't want to talk about it's fine. Not really sure where the line crosses into personal when it comes to this.

[ And once again, ] Not exactly.

[ She's quiet a few seconds longer, then she sighs. ]

It's all personal.

Regeneration isn't unlimited. Expend too much energy healing an injury for convenience in one cycle and you might fall short somewhere later on.

[ She's trying to keep it simple, without sharing too many details. ]

I used up all my regenerations soon after the last. I had a good reason.

[ It's enough for Clara to not pry. She understands what she needs to know. ]

Must've been a damn good reason.

[ She doesn't know it, but both of them gave up a part of themselves for the Doctor. He still runs from them, though. ]

I want to say now I have someone else who can't regenerate to worry about, but the way you handled everything in that house, the worry sort of flies through the window.

Oh, it was.

[ And she's had her moments, but she's never truly regretted it, just as she doesn't regret dying in The Library. ]

I'd like to say my self-preservation instincts are better than the Doctor's, but I'm not sure that's true. But I am a little less of a pacifist.

You've been travelling with him a while. You know what it's like. My life hasn't been much different.

[ But put them in a room together and they'll both deny just how similar they are. ]

[ This time when Clara laughs, it's louder. ] I think most people's self-preservation instincts are better than the Doctor's.

[ She can't see Clara's eyes, but they brighten on her end. ] You being here means being able to know you, because honestly, the traveling, the discoveries? All I ever wanted was to be a traveler, my mum made me want everything. Mountains, oceans. All of it. I bet she never thought I'd hit the stars, though.

[ And that's why she'd said yes to the Doctor in the end. He could give her all of that and more. ]

And I never thought I'd be stuck on a planet the Doctor had no involvement bringing me to.

[ River's smile is audible. ]

The unexpected adventures always end up the best ones.

[ But at least the Doctor is here with them. Not that they can't get into trouble all on their own, but it's a relief to know they're together. ]

I think you and I are going to get along very well. And the stories I could tell you. Not just about my time running with the Doctor, but all the time I spent without him. Chasing after him and cleaning up his messes, mostly.

[ A soft laugh follows that. ]

Some of them might even be true.

I can absolutely imagine having to do Doctor damage control in his wake. He's lucky he has you.

[ Clara's voice is warm; she already likes River and does want to get to know her. Not just the parts that include the Doctor, but who she is outside of him. ]

Some of the best stories have a little embellishment. Always leave them wondering, wanting more.

[ Doctor damage control. She likes that. ]

Yes, I know. I'm not always sure he does.

[ Strangely, she doesn't sound upset. Something else she's gotten used to? Or possibly because she knows his true feelings are as difficult to read as her own. ]

Careful what you wish for, sweetie.

He should, if he doesn't. In any case, I want to hear stories about you, not him. I have stories of the Doctor, and maybe I'll be able to add to the collection later. You're the one I'm interested in.

[ Not that Clara will turn down stories with the Doctor in them, but she knows him. ]

I think if we were anywhere but here, we could have a good, old-fashioned night out. But it seems like this place hates the concept of fun.

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