eastbound | video; un: hide-and-seek

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video; un: hide-and-seek

[ Clara's sitting as privately as it's going to get in the Mouse House, still a little breathless. Not from exertion, but from realizing she might've heard something she shouldn't. She can't know for sure, but her gut tells her it's important. Her first instinct is to find the Doctor and tell him, but she'd done the first thing he'd asked her not to and wandered off. As always.

In need of semi-fresh air, she'd waited until he was busy talking to someone else before quickly excusing herself, walking away before the Doctor could protest. She'd walked a few blocks toward the ports when she'd overheard a small group talking about a person named Cain. The way the apparent co-workers tensed and glared at her when spotted, made her feel as if the complaining hadn't been meant to be heard by anyone, not just her. Back inside, she's decided to share what she overheard when she doesn't spot the Doctor right away. Whipping out her new device she takes a minute or two to understand how it works before her face pops up on the screen. ]

Hullo, I'm Clara. Met some of you during the [ Her free hand waves around vaguely. ] events. I'm not sure what is and isn't important here, but a talking fox told me I needed to make tea to get out of a murder house, so who am I to decide what everyone should or shouldn't know?

[ Either someone tells her not to worry about it, or she's given out something everyone needs to know. She should really wait for the Doctor, but there's no going back now that she's announced it. ]

Went outside and overheard two people talking about someone named Cain do..brick? [ She can't quite remember how it was pronounced, but hopefully, she's close enough. ] They've done something to make an employer angry enough to hit an employee after getting off the phone with Cain. Something about an offer involving parts and grease for Minaras and Eidris. There was more, but I'm not sure if this means anything or not. The people talking about it got pretty upset when they saw me, so I thought it might be worth mentioning.

[ There's a pause as she decides to wrap things up. ]

In case none of this matters, quick question. If you've met the Doctor, what was your first impression, please? [ There's a quick, cheeky and teasing smile that suggests knowing him before the video ends. ]

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[ The compliment is taken as such and it makes Clara's grin brighter. ]

Something tells me you were never meant to lose it. Be rebellious, but for a cause.

[ Clara licks rogue icing off of her thumb. ] Where were you going? On the bus, I mean, when you stole it.

[ Something warms in her at Clara's assessment. She thinks too much of her, really. The Doctor's always been the one with a cause, with good intentions. River's nature is more self-serving; she's just been dragged along in his wake. ]

It was late. The easy answer is home. But I didn't really have one of those. I guess I just wanted to see if I could do it.

[ Life could be terribly boring in Leadworth. ]

I ended up in a holding cell. Amy had to come get me out, not for the first time. Or the last.

[ Knowing River didn't really have something as simple as a home makes Clara a little protective. Which is ridiculous because River's an adult now, and God knows, she doesn't need someone tiny as Clara trying to protect her. But still. ]

Pity the getting caught part.

[ Yet again, the Doctor's failed to mention anyone from his past, so she has no idea who River might be referring to. To Clara it's just a name dropped in a story. ]

But what uou're saying is, they got to know you well down at the station? Amy never minded?

In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have taken that shortcut through the botanical garden.

[ It's ridiculous and she knows it, her smile lighting her eyes, even with the memory of her parents lingering like a shadow. ]

We were practically on a first-name basis. [ She tilts her head in momentary consideration. ] I don't know if I'd say she never minded. I can still hear the lectures. But she always came when I called, just the same.

You didn't? [ Clara laughs again, then takes another bite of cake as her laughter dies down. Her smile returns at the description of Amy, and she's glad that River had that, a person who so obviously cared. ]

Have a number on how many times you got bailed out? She sounds like the exact sort of best mate anyone would want. Actually there for you when they say they will be.

[ She had that once, and then there'd been more death, more loss, more people gone when they shouldn't have been. ]

More than I remember. She and Rory probably could have told you the exact number and every reason.

[ Everything had been simpler then, their timelines less tangled, her secrets less numerous. She misses them deeply, misses how easily they'd accepted her, even before they'd known, when she was just Mels Zucker, Amy's rebellious second-best mate. ]

We grew up together, Amy, Rory, and I. In a manner of speaking. I'd gone backwards a bit that regeneration. It took me a long time to find them.

[ She falls quiet, just for a moment, as she studies Clara, apparently deciding something. ]

They'd let me keep a picture of my mother. I remembered what she looked like. Even when she was younger, Amy was unmistakable.

[ Clara's wrapped up in imagining it, this trio doing everything together, when River casually drops that the person she'd been imagining as an incredible friend was actually her mother all along. Clara's eyes widen, and puts her fork down on the plate. ]

You grew up with your mum, except she was also your age?

[ The sorry, what? is in her eyes but unsaid. She wants to ask at least three other questions but instead waits for River to continue. It feels too personal a topic for Clara to go deeply prying into the first time they've ever really met. Especially when she's being trusted with something that must make River feel so many different ways. ]

[ She'd expected as much, and as she sets her own fork down, she smiles to let her know it's okay. She knows she'll have questions. Whether she answers all of them or not, well... ]

It doesn't get less confusing for knowing the whole story.

They didn't know. [ If that isn't obvious. ] Not back then. But in some ways, it's the closest I ever was to them.

I've learned that when it comes to timelines, it's best to just not question until you need to.

[ Clara smiles in understanding; River doesn't have to explain the fine details of when. It's time travel, not simple. ]

How long were you with them?

[ Her voice is a little quieter because River's said was; her parents are in the past tense, and now what's left of the cake is completely forgotten, all of Clara's attention on the woman next to her. ]

We went to primary school together, stayed friends through young adulthood. Until they found out who I really was.

[ In some ways, that had complicated things. But it had been nice, too, to have loving parents, even uncertain ones. ]

We still saw one another after, but it wasn't the same, you understand.

And you must never tell the Doctor, but I stole a few more years with them in New York in the late 30's and early 40's, met my younger brother while he was still too young to remember me.

[ Clara can understand what River's saying, of course, and it had to be hard. But she won't pretend to know how it feels. All she can do is imagine it wasn't easy and listen. Still, she nods before River continues. ]

He'll never hear it from me, not my place. What's keeping you from telling him?

[ It's curious to her; she's piecing together that they must have traveled with him at some point, but she has no idea when or that it was just before her. ]

I broke the rules. [ She smiles softly, and the sadness in her eyes isn't entirely for herself. ] He lost them.

The Doctor and I are many things, sweetie. [ Husband and wife, strangers, partners, friends, enemies... She doesn't bother with the list. ] And sometimes, I'd like to kill him. Again. But the one thing I won't do, can't do, is cause him more pain.

[ Clara exhales, looking down at the plate and studying it like it might've changed in the last two minutes. There's the again Clara wants to circle back to, but before that, she bites at the inside of her cheek before looking at River again. ]

Do you think that's what it is for him? Painful just to see you?

[ He isn't human, so that might be the alien side of him coming out, but knowing she's going to lose this version of the Doctor makes her want to spend as much time with him as possible. Before she has to deal with someone she feels like she's never met before. ]

[ She laughs, without humor or bitterness. There's a heaviness behind it, too many years convincing herself he was incapable of loving her and too many more waiting for him in a Library, all the time knowing him all too well. ]

I think it hurts every second he's with me.

But I've never been able to stay away, not completely. [ He's the only person she's ever really loved. Well, almost only. ] So I protect him from what I can.

[ Always hide the damage. And she'd thought she might be past that now. ]

[ There's too much sadness not to reach out and gently rest her hand over River's. She tries to protect the Doctor — is there anyone looking out for her? Clara knows she's quite strong, but that doesn't mean she's immune to hurt. ]

If the Doctor can be selfish, so can you sometimes. That doesn't mean you're protecting him any less.

[ The small gesture isn't unwelcome, but it is unexpected, and she glances up slightly startled. ]

I appreciate the sentiment. But it doesn't work like that.

[ She doesn't get to be selfish, not with the Doctor. ]

Why not?

[ Clara's curious, and River's the only person who can answer the question. Not for the first time, her humanness puts blinders on to what the Doctor does (and River, too) to deal with loss, pain, and hurt. It's foreign to her, and she was selfish when it came to the Doctor. ]

I don't mean that the Doctor deserves to be in pain, I never want that. It just seems like you're carrying a lot on your own.

[ Clara's always been tactile; another reason the Doctor changing has rattled her. She can't touch him, he won't let her. It's how she comforts, and with that taken away, she doesn't know how to get close enough to even hug him. ]

[ The Doctor has always accused her of being too human, but the truth is she's more like the Doctor than either of them will ever admit. So how can she explain to Clara, how can she make her understand. ]

I had human parents, grew up on Earth for a time. It's easier for me.

The Doctor, he cares so much, Clara. He's lost so much.

I never had that much to lose.

[ Only him. Amy and Rory. Jack. For River, it's always been what will never be that hurts most. ]

Our lives are longer than most, more eventful than most. You learn to protect yourself from the people who pass in and out over the years, but he never has.

[ Clara thinks she's beginning to understand a little better. Live long enough, and you stand to lose so many. A lump in her throat makes her breath catch and she looks down, swallowing hard. Her hand moves back to her lap, joining the other as she fiddles with her own fingers. She misses having her ring to fidget with. ]

So he runs and keeps running, from every hurt.

[ Her eyes close for a few breaths and when she speaks again, her voice is still quiet. ]

Don't you get lonely, River?

[ The Doctor can't be alone, anyone who travels with him knows that. It's a circle for him, but River seems to have taken a completely different approach. ]

[ Don't you get lonely, River?

The question hits her like a lead weight. She doesn't really feel the cold much (or the heat, for that matter) but there's a chill to the air now.

Loneliness. The rot within her she refused to acknowledge aloud, the same one the integration centre in Minaras had branded onto the back of her hand. ]

It's better not to get too close to people.

[ Her words are brittle, her smile even more so. She's been too honest, already. ]

[ Clara can tell something's changed, a misstep with the question. Maybe too personal, so she picks up her fork and cuts off a piece of cake. ]

Before I met the Doctor, my best mate, Sabine, invited me to visit before I went on a trip. Love her kids, love her husband, so I said sure. [ Clara smiles just a little. ] I was always a little bit in love with her, she as smart and funny, not to mention gorgeous. But I knew nothing would ever go anywhere, she didn't even sort of play for the same team. I loved her anyway, though. She carried me through my mum's death.

[ Clara pushes the piece of cake around the plate, gathering up stray crumbs. ]

I get there, she goes out to pick up curry for supper, and she has an accident. Dead, in an instant. After that, while I was trying to help her kids make sense of it, I decided I couldn't go through all that again. So, I made myself a promise, no more falling in love. My choice. Can't have a broken heart if there's no one there to break it, right?

[ Stuffing the piece of cake in her mouth, she looks away from River while chewing. Clara doesn't know why she shared that, it certainly wasn't out of some expectation for River to share in return. It felt right to get out, even though she's pretty sure she's failed miserably at not loving the Doctor. ]

I'm not so sure about that.

[ It's said so quietly, the words probably aren't meant for Clara at all. In fact, she isn't even looking at Clara. Oh, she recognizes that she's just shared something incredibly personal. She even thinks, perhaps, she should offer some sort of comfort? Or support? But what had been so easy for Clara is alien to her.

Eventually, awkwardly, she lays a hand on Clara's arm. Her silence lasts a while longer. ]

No family. No friends. Just me, Clara, and the woman who raised me to do her bidding.

Like the Doctor, I hurt people when I get too close. Unlike the Doctor, I was taught it didn't matter.

[ She squeezes Clara's arm gently before pulling her hand back into her lap. ]

I'm sorry about your friend.

[ How do you tell someone living that life that you hate it for them? It's the wrong thing to say, she has enough awareness to realize that, but Clara still wants something better for her. ]

Thank you. She was a really good person, a really good mum.

[ The word from a while ago, again, floats back through Clara's mind at the mention of doing someone's bidding. That's never not sounded ominous, and so she asks, but hopes she doesn't shut River down completely with the question. ]

Earlier you said you sometimes wanted to kill the Doctor, and that's understandable, but you said again. What did you mean?

[ Clara doesn't look or feel any sort of way at this point, using context clues in their conversation. Whatever happened, she trusts it was complicated. ]

[ She should have expected the question. From one of his companions, especially one as clever and protective as Clara. Still, she closes her eyes against the answer, that she jokes about it to keep the truth from swallowing her, from swallowing them both. ]

It's the reason I was born, sweetie. To kill the Doctor. His perfect counter, his bespoke psychopath.

I succeeded the day I met him.

[ But obviously, the Doctor isn't dead. The story hadn't ended there. ]

They took me from my parents, filled me with rage and hate, but they forgot something. He already knew everything about me, and he actually cared. Even dying, he was begging me to help Amy and Rory.

I gave up my remaining regenerations to save him.

[ She isn't quite finished yet, though, and she's pointedly avoiding looking at Clara. ]

The second time, I didn't have a choice and neither did he.

As far as the rest of the universe was concerned, the Doctor died that day, and I went to prison for it.

[ Clara isn't really sure what she feels in her chest when it tightens. She wants to comfort River, but what is there to say? Certainly not I'm sorry; she is but what for what? She can't say she understands, other than giving up the rest of her life for The Doctor. Clara was willing to do that, and River did, too. They're both here though, and so is he.

When she still hasn't figured out what to say after a few seconds, Clara sets the plate down in front of them and looks at River. ]

Look at you, though.

[ What she's going to say next, she has no clue. But River's just shared something that Clara can recognize as painful, maybe a mix of other things, too. ]

Born and raised to kill a man who lives on, and now sitting here eating cake with someone you've only really just met. Bet they didn't count on the good in you heart never really going away.

video; un: hide-and-seek

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