eastbound | [Video; UN: heavenly four seasons]

[He doesn't mean to manhandle him; he just wants to make sure the poor man doesn't trip. With the ship bobbing and swaying, it's a wonder any of them can walk in a straight line.]

You're not alone. Have you been sick? I've spent my fair share of time leaning over a rail.

I've felt a little queasy a couple times, but nothing quite so drastic.

[Not being able to see certainly helps with motion sickness. Who knew?]

Are you much better now? Although...

[He lowers his voice to save Zhou Zishu some face.]

Perhaps some amount of temperance may not go astray.

I can teach you some breathing exercises...

[Motion sickness is a given when you are Zhou Zishu (in his current state anyway) and drunk.]

You don't need to worry about me.

[He snorts at the warning and walks to the railing.]

I'm not sure why I'm alive, Daozhang.

I would appreciate any help you could give me.

[Breathing exercises may be a small matter, but if they work, then they still matter at all.

But as Zhou Zishu parts from him, and says such things, Xingchen frowns, definitely worried, and slowly makes his own way to the railing.]

Why we live, why we die... Everything comes back to the Dao.

[He pauses, then reaches out to make contact with Zhou Zishu, be it his hand or his arm or whatever.]

But I know for most people that is an impersonal answer and a difficult one to grasp. Even I struggle with reconciling why things happen anymore.

Breathe in slowly, hold your breath for three beats and then let it out. If you can position yourself in a meditative pose, that will help.

[Also, and this is said with a small smirk:]

Stay away from alcohol. It doesn't help.

[Xingchen's wisdom doesn't comfort him, but the hand reaching for him is nice. Zishu takes hold of those fingers.]

If I exist to be of help to you, that's good enough.

That is simple enough to remember. Thank you.

[Finding somewhere to be meditative on this ship may prove difficult, but every little bit counts.

Zhou Zishu is clearly still saddened by Wen Kexing's departure. And then all this change, the traveling, still being somewhat sick... Xingchen can understand his lack of motivation. He still has days where he doesn't want to drag his body from wherever he's managed to fall asleep and just get through the day.

It's hard. It's so damn hard.

Xingchen reaches out with his other hand to solidify their connection, to just hold his friend's hand.]

I will not lie to you and say it gets easier. I do not think it does. But...we have to take each day as it comes. Sometimes it comes down to focusing on each step we take. Each breath. Just to achieve something, to get closer to...I don't know. Something better.

If it weren't, it would cause more stress!

[As for spaces to meditate...uh...their beds might be the best place. Or by the railings on the deck, though the activity can be distracting.

Dear Daozhang Xingchen is too good to give up. If Zishu has to carry him out into the sunshine daily, he will do so. But, yes, he's right; Zishu is mourning Kexing and that isn't something he can wholly help. He and Kexing had made plans - plans that gave Zishu a reason to keep living - and now it feels like he has been plunged into the dark again.

His hand is cooler than it should be, but he likes holding onto Xingchen.]

You will change the lives of everyone you touch. I think you are younger than me, but when it comes to doing good, you are far wiser.

[That hand is too cold, considering the elements. Xingchen gently starts to rub it between his own, trying to urge some heat back into the flesh. All the while, he listens to Zhou Zishu's kind - too kind - words. He shakes his head.]

I'm not wise. I'm just too stubborn to admit that I'm lost.

[His hands slow to a stop. Well, that is an admission, isn't it? Xingchen breathes out and he picks up his efforts again. This isn't about him. This was never about him.]

[The effort warms more than his hand. Zishu is reminded of the first time they met, how Xingchen had convinced him to try. He can't give up. So many people need help - including this sweet man.]

You're not lost.

[He wraps his other arm around Xingchen's waist, hugging him to his side.]

You have me. I won't die.

[At first he resists the half-hug, not wanting to bring more attention to his problems. But Xingchen is weak. Just moments later, he sighs again and curls more against his friend's chest, face coming to rest against his shoulder.]

Please don't die. You're my friend.

[The words feel as if they're coming from a child, pleading with the impossible. It's foolish. If someone is going to die, then there isn't anything anyone can do about it. It's a part of life. Xingchen knows that. He knows.

He's just also selfish sometimes, even if he doesn't show it.]

[No. He won't allow any resistance. Zishu smiles softly when Xingchen settles against him, both arms holding his friend safe. Secure. This is what he can offer if Xingchen wants it; if he needs it.

Those words bring tears to his eyes and he laughs shakily.]

And you're mine.

[He inhales the clean sea air and nods.]

I'm very stubborn. I won't leave you, Daozhang.

[He needs it. He desperately needs it. While his tumbles with Xue Yang might temporarily sate the desires of the flesh, they do very little for his spirit. But it still seeks, so blindly, and he hopes that latching onto Zhou Zishu won't be a mistake in the long run, as well.

Feeling arms wrapped around him, giving himself over to an embrace he hasn't experienced nearly often enough, is almost too much. And then Zhou Zishu promises and Xingchen wants to believe.

He never thought anything could sever his and Song Lan's connection, after all, but...he pushed Xingchen away. And decidedly so. Xingchen can't help but think if Song Lan were to see him now and all the decisions he's made while in this world, he would want absolutely nothing to do with Xingchen.

He told Zhou Zishu his sins. And he's still here, treating him like he's a good person, like he's worth something.

Xingchen breathes Zhou Zishu in for a few moments, trying to keep his emotions from spilling over. He needs to move and collect himself, but being held is so wonderful and it takes longer than necessary to make himself pull away.]

You may be stubborn, but you are also very patient.

[Zishu needs this too - so much so that he feels guilty for holding onto Xingchen. Yet if he can give comfort, why shouldn't he? Of all the things he has been able to offer others, this is the most innocent - and the most precious.

He knows of Xue Yang. He knows of Song Lan. At least partially. Even if he knew the full story, he wouldn't push Xingchen from him. The poor man deserves understanding and...a friend. A true friend. Not one that requires something of him.

For the first time since he felt himself severed from Wen Kexing, Zishu finds a moment of peace. He won't be the one to break the embrace. Xiao Xingchen is too wonderful, too soft and too sweet.]

I haven't had to be patient with you. [He wants to be clear. What Xingchen has sought from him; what he has told him hasn't overwhelmed him.] You have been a balm for me. My only regret is not returning the comfort.

But you can trust me and depend on me. No matter what.

[Xingchen shakes his head and reaches for Zhou Zishu's hands.]

Friendship is a meeting of souls, not a collection of debts, imagined or otherwise. We do what we can for each other. I need nothing more than that.

[He exhales, though, and offers a weak smile.]

But the offer is mutual. I am always here if you need me.

[His hands are easy to find and gentle in Xingchen's grip.]

As your friend I promise to support you, to protect you and to stand by your side.

[Through thick and thin. The smile is returned warmly.]

You have proven that. I didn't expect you to be there in the volcano and yet... You were.

[Xingchen continues help but think this pledge of friendship sounds almost like an oath of something more. He doesn't say that, though, knowing Zhou Zishu's grief for the man who should be here instead of Xingchen.]

I will do the same, to the best of my capabilities.

[He gives those hands a quick squeeze.]

I can still fight as I used to, but I do not if I can help it. I went to the volcano in the hopes of helping in some other way. I suppose it worked, just not necessarily for me.

[Friendship, to him, is an alliance. Through thick and thin, he will support Xingchen. Zishu refuses to fail him like he did his disciples and his master. And, yes, his Lao Wen too.]

I do not doubt you.

[He smiles and tilts his head.]

Tell me what you are experiencing. It's meaningless to stand against it alone when we are likely plagued by the same curse.

I feel...lessened.

[Which doesn't explain very much, but while this is physically happening to his body, it's kind of abstract at the same time. Xingchen reaches out and pats around for a moment until he finds something to sit on. Cargo, he hopes, and nothing terribly valuable.

His hands drift down to his navel as he explains further.]

The spirits I absorbed from the volcano still reside within me and they especially like my Golden Core. It is unharmed, so far as I can tell, but I do not feel as I should.

They are not at peace. It feels very much like resentful energy. I have wondered if this is what demonic cultivation feels like.

How so? [Zishu is ready to help Xingchen sit down - the cargo can surely bear the daozhang's light weight. Then he crouches at the man's feet, his gaze following those slender, elegant hands. Resentful spirits?

It's pitiful that, in his current state, he has no idea if he too is haunted. Maybe those are the voices?]

I think they must remain with me too. [Thus why the effects linger. Yes, that makes sense. Sighing, he lays his hand on top of Xingchen's.]

Demonic Cultivation makes use of them, Daozhang. You are not cruel enough to ignore their pain and treat them as tools.

Edited 2022-07-09 23:11 (UTC)

My physical senses are still as they were. My hearing, smell...those are still strong. It's my cultivation that feels weak. Dull. I don't really know.

[He can sense Zhou Zishu kneeling and, even though Xingchen can't see him, he angles his face down toward his friend.]

No, of course not, but the resentment is still there. If I don't focus beyond it, I would not be surprised if it overwhelmed me.

[He shakes his head.]

You said they are still probably within you, as well? How are you feeling?

Have you ever tried to have a conversation in a large, boisterous crowd?

[Zishu entwines their fingers and tips his head back, focusing on the sweet face above his.]

Your cultivation is like a conversation. The spirits are standing between you and your core. They have wants and desires of their own and those conflict with yours.

[And his.]

Tired. Threadbare. I feel like my strength was cut in half with Lao Wen's disappearance and now everything is muddled.

[Xingchen nods at the question and then listens intently to the explanation. It's simple, but also encompasses his situation very well. Xingchen smiles gently.]

I would not be able to put it so eloquently if I had two lifetimes.

[But that smile fades just as quickly as it had appeared. This isn't something he can fix with well-chosen words or some physical gift. Mourning, even if someone is not dead, can be a lengthy process.

He pulls one of his hands free and hesitantly reaches out to find the side of Zhou Zishu's face. He cups a cheek for a moment, then moves up to brush some hair aside, as well as place his location in relation to his own. Then, Xingchen leans down and presses a light kiss to his friend's forehead, letting it linger a little longer than necessary.

It won't bring Wen Kexing back and it won't fill the emptiness, but he hopes this miserable little act reminds Zhou Zishu that he isn't alone.]

Edited (Oopsies, fingies slipped) 2022-07-11 09:48 (UTC)

[Praise from Xingchen isn't taken lightly and Zishu smiles shakily, pressing their hands together. He may not have a lot of warmth to share, but Xingchen is welcome to it.]

I've taught a lot of disciples. You find the words you need after a lot of practice.

[No, they can't fix it even by understanding it. But he hasn't lost hope that there is a cure. If this world has cursed them, it can provide the remedy.

The sudden motion has him blinking until he realizes Xingchen's sweet intent. He leans into the kiss and smiles softly, letting the contact trickle through him, reminding him that life is a gift.

And the daozhang won't escape without a kiss of his own - to his cheek. Zishu lingers there too, wanting his friend to know the support, the affection, goes both ways.]

Edited 2022-07-11 11:39 (UTC)

[It's so easy to be with Zhou Zishu. Even when he's grieving, there's still just...something calming and comforting about him. That or Xingchen is still lonely, despite all the time spent with Xue Yang. People continue to be complicated.

The kiss to his cheek brings a little smile to his own face and he can't help but remember the time Zhou Zishu snuck one on him while they were Ke-Waihu. Xingchen thought this man's company was just as wonderful back then, too. He pulls away after a moment and lets some silence fall between them. Nothing awkward, just a passing time.]

May I ask...what it was like? Teaching.

[To be a calming presence for someone - anyone - is wonderful. Irreplaceable. Zishu tends to do better, putting his depression to the back of his mind, when someone looks to him for...comfort. Lessons. Protection. He has no trouble sacrificing himself for those reasons.

With Xingchen it's hardly a sacrifice since he enjoys the man's companionship. He is also keeping tally of the number of kisses he gives him. This would make two, wouldn't it? Good.]

Terrifying at first. I didn't feel deserving of the position. My Master died young and I was younger still. Suddenly I had a whole manor looking to me for guidance.

But somewhere along the way I figured out that they were ready and willing to give me their loyalty. Teaching them became second nature. I had to prepare them for what they would face.

[Video; UN: heavenly four seasons]

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