eastbound | [un: Chengmei] video

[Xingchen has, unfortunately, gotten pretty used to having Xue Yang always find him anymore. He doesn't like it, but it is what it is.]

I never said you weren't trying.

Truly? My mistake, it sounded like something you'd say.

[Xue Yang leaned back on his hands, his eyes on Xingchen, smiling to himself - as smiling at him was largely pointless - as he watches him.]

Do you think it matters? A parent's love.

[He's just going to ignore that little jab. There's nothing to gain from such an argument here.

As for the question, he cant answerr right away. A parent's love isnt something he ever had, at least not when it came to his own parents. At least not that he can remember. Maybe his parents did love him, but something terrible happened to separate them when he was still so small and uncomprehending. Maybe they didn't care at all or just simply couldn't take care of him and he ended up abandoned that way.

Xingchen has wondered these things before, more so when he was younger on the mountain, when he couldn't sleep, but also sometimes when he was traveling as a rogue cultivator.

Looking back, he hadnt traveled for very long, but he still saw a fair number of people and thdir relationships.]

I do. Children tend to be happier and more confident when their parent supports them.

I don't know. I was happy enough when I was little, I was too dumb to know better.

[He looks at where his finger isn't, wondering what difference parents truly made when the world is the way it is.]

Do you think they are weaker for it too, daozhang? Having such support all their life. What happens when they lose it?

I believe it depends on the child's temperament as much as the parent's care.

[This, of course, is based on what he's seen in snippets, as well as what he considers ideal. And then, even though Baoshan Sanren wasn't his mother, didn't she still raise him and give him shelter and food and keep him alive and healthy most of his life? He draws from this, too.]

Death is also a part of life, even though it leaves others to grieve. Some children may accept this more easily than others. I imagine if a parent were more protective, it would be harder to part ways, for a child to know how to function in the world.

[It's maybe for the best that Xingchen can't see Xue Yang's expression now, because he's definitely already losing the focus on his actual words in favour of simply watching him speak, watching his lips move. It's not that surprising that he gets up and moves closer, only humming a little so that Xingchen can't complain about him sneaking up on him.

And so he has the satisfaction of Xingchen willingly letting him approach.]

Our world isn't made for anyone who's been coddled. But what do you think would have become of me, with a parent's love?

[Even if he would complain, it isn't as if it would do much. Xue Yang won't leave him alone, regardless of Xingchen's opinion of him. But he does appreciate the humming. At least he can be prepared for how close the other man gets, even if he should be used to it by now.]

Ideally, you would have become a decent man.

[But what is ideal rarely ever comes to fruition.]

At the bare minimum, I would hope you would understand the value of human life and that murdering in vast numbers is not something that anyone should do.

[He cocks his head to the side, thinking a little more on this.]

One doesn't need a parent to learn that, though. I don't know what happened to you.

[He stops close to Xingchen, sitting down on the ground, one leg pulled up so he can rest his arms on it, looking up at the daozhang.]

M-hm. I can tell you stories all day, but you know them. How's one scoundrel any different from another? I just had more opportunity.

[There's thoughts going through his mind, memories, and he's not sure how he wants to proceed.]

What was my life's worth, you think, to anyone, at any point? When I was born. When I grew up. Until I had use for someone?

[This sort of conversation isn't one where every question has the same, easy answer. It all really does depend on one's opinions and experiences and they're all going to vary as each person in the world does. Xingchen is kind of exhausted trying to get his point across that while he can't be specific, he does believe that every person deserves to live at least for some amount of time. And even then, he is not the ultimate voice on the matter of who should be allowed to live and who should die, only offer suggestions based on behavior. That doesn't make him right, though.

There is one thing he knows, however, though he's not sure it will mean anything to Xue Yang.]

What people think of others is not necessarily accurate. Just because they may view a merchant woman's baby differently from a noblewoman's baby doesn't mean one child is worth more than the other. Are we not all born naked and crying? You. Me. The great sect leaders. Circumstance does not define worth. I believe our own decisions do. It is just that others cannot always see the difference.

[He takes a moment to consider saying more. He probably shouldn't, but he probably shouldn't hope that any of this will help Xue Yang understand he's done bad things, either.]

I am sorry no one treated you the way you deserved as a child.

But circumstances define what decisions there are to make. What choices people have. Does the whore's son stand any chance to be noble, even if he longs to be?

[An interesting question, is it not? And perhaps it is telling of something that the example he thinks of is not so much himself. Telling of what, that's another question.

Sorry again though. There's that word Xingchen uses.]

Does opportunity make you good or evil? I'd have stayed nobody if I hadn't become stronger.

[And would that have been better for the world? Xue Yang shrugs, then shakes his head, then just sighs, smiles, and looks up at Xingchen.]

Daozhang, do you have candy?

[Xingchen falls quiet. They could talk themselves dizzy like this, coming up with countless situations, hypothetical and masquerading as hypothetical, and still get nowhere.]

Has anything I've said helped you make sense of anything?

[He sighs, his shoulders slumping.]

No, I don't have any candy. It's possible to overcome that kind of circumstance, if rare. Opportunity is what one makes of it.

Pity.

[He sighs, probably more at the absence of candy than anything that's transpiring in their conversation. Probably. Because there is always a bit more, a bit more than he says, a bit more than he understands.]

I can make sense of-- Of why you say the things you do. Why you believe them. I know that it's because daohang feels it. It's not a lie or an act. You are like that.

I'm like me. Maybe I always would have been.

[But who's to say, who's to know? And what does it matter?]

Maybe wanted children stay wanted. And I see why you were wanted, when she took you to the mountain.

[It's in moments like these where Xingchen starts to feel the lines blurring between Xue Yang the murderer and Xue Yang the human. Of course he's the same person, just capable of both awful and sometimes decent things. But when he speaks without a layer of defensive bite, Xingchen can almost forget.

He remembers late nights spent talking with Xue Yang about nothing particularly important. Maybe plans for what to cook the next day. What candy Xingchen picked up that Xue Yang really liked.

Just...being friends.

Xingchen misses that friend, even though he's mere inches away.

He can't forgive Xue Yang for any of the crimes he's committed; didn't he even tell Wei Wuxian he never could forgive him? And yet now he's here, beside the person he shouldn't be, and moving ever so slightly closer toward him. His voice comes out softer, a little less impatient than a moment ago.]

You should have been wanted, too. I know that means nothing now. I know that can't change anything. But you should have had that.

I thought we both know that I shouldn't have been born.

[He snorts in amusement, because that's an easy escape. It is funny, after all, and his heart is beating faster than it should and his hands have tightened to fists, holding on to the fabric of his clothes. Why his body is doing that, he's not questioning, but he looks at Xingchen and his eyes burn a little. Familiar sensation, by now.]

Perhaps that's what'd be better for those children too. Does that break a curse? I wonder.

[...He did say that. Of course, Xue Yang remembers it, too.]

I was angry.

[He still is, really. Angry that Xue Yang is the way he is and acts so careless when he should be more thoughtful. Angry at the world for being as cruel as it is. Angry at himself for being such a failure.]

It is not a child's fault to be born. Taking that away in and of itself is fruitless. I also believe trying to break a curse without understanding what formed it to begin with solves nothing.

I'm always angry, but I still meant it.

[He shrugs at Xingchen's words and, without thinking and aware that Xingchen can't see him, he also hums in a way that reflects the notion of the shrug.]

Hm. If it breaks, it'd be useful enough.

And if you act recklessly and the curse remains?

[But Xingchen takes a breath and bites his tongue before he lets himself continue. He's arguing with Xue Yang who struggles with comprehending why people, anyone, should be allowed to live. He may have the moral high ground, but he's not going to win.

He sighs and pushes himself to his feet.]

I don't have all the answers. Anymore, I feel as if I have very few.

[A pause.]

Is there a well nearby? I'm thirsty.

Aish, daozhang, I'm not going to go and-- [He hasn't thought about it much, so even the concept of what he would be doing is a bit vague, so he hesitates a little, then says it with incredulous amusement in his voice.] --kill babies at random? I won't.

[He's already on his feet before Xingchen can finish asking his question.]

I'll find you something to drink. Don't bother looking, daozhang, you are too clumsy.

[Xue Yang can say he won't do something, but Xingchen struggles to trust that word. And with good reason, he thinks. Though, for all he knows, Xie Yang has stayed his hand when it comes to killing anyone since he showed up in this world. That has to count for something, too. He just doesn't know how to reconcile everything.

So maybe that's the irritation that swells up in him when Xue Yang announces he'll get Xingchen a drink. He frowns, voice stronger in volume than it usually is.]

Then let me be clumsy.

[A harsh breath leaves him as he tries to get himself under control again. He doesn't like being angry like this.]

I asked you to be my eyes, not my feet.

[When Xingchen sounds so angry, Xue Yang pauses and turns around, watching him as he tilts his head to the side. Then he sighs, whatever emotion causes that, and walks back, kneeling down a foot away from Xingchen.]

There's no well nearby and no water in most wells, daozhang.

[However, there is the sound of water in the pouch he's been carrying, that he pulls out now. He shakes it so that Xingchen can hear it clearly.]

I was going to pretend.

[Pretend to get water from a well, so that he could bring this back to Xingchen and ensure that he'd not feel guilty for drinking. As it is, he holds the pouch up.]

Do you want me to throw this, so you can use your feet to retrieve it?

[...Right. Of course. This village is going through a drought. How selfish of him.

Xingchen gives up as quickly as he had grown angry and sits back down, angling himself away from Xue Yang somewhat. How selfish. How stupid. And now he's here, having thrown a fit like a child and with nothing to show for it.

Xue Yang was trying to be kind for once in his life. And Xingchen scorned him. No wonder he holds so much resentment in his heart.

He hears the offered water and shakes his head.]

Thank you, but...save it for yourself or someone who really needs it. I'll fast.

A sip would not be taking too much, daozhang.

[His eyes are on Xingchen's face and he is not entirely aware of the fond expression on his own face. Either way, he puts the pouch down on Xingchen's lap, should he want any, and then leans forward to rest his chin on one of Xingchen's knees, because he sees his chance.]

I'll share with others too.

[He's being so good.]

I even shared when I was young. Do you believe me?

It could, later on.

[What if one sip is all it takes to save someone from death? Xingchen doesn't want to deprive anyone of that possibility, not when he's perfectly capable of going without.

Still, it comes as no surprise when Xue Yang leaves the water pouch in his lap, leaving the ultimate decision up to him. To give in or to hold fast.

What he doesn't expect - though he should with Xue Yang - is for the other man to rest his head on Xingchen's knee like a loyal dog. That mental comparison makes him feel a little sick, but it also...works. If Xue Yang weren't...him, Xingchen would be tempted to reach out and pet his hair. He keeps his hands to himself, though.]

I do believe you.

[There's no reason for it, just a gut instinct. Xingchen doesn't actually believe Xue Yang came out of the womb already hateful and ready to do heinous things. He had to learn that on his own.]

[This is far from the first time they've sat like this or similarly. But it's been a while, in a different life in a way, and Xue Yang knows better than to expect his hair to be petted. However, he also knows that it has to play on Xingchen's mind, from force of habit if nothing else, and knowing that Xingchen is thinking about touching him, there's satisfaction in that too.

So he smiles and shifts a little, settling down more comfortably.]

I've always shared when there was no reason not to. And sometimes because it pissed me off. The way they were treated.

[And there's a distinction, even so, between 'they' and 'I', but the sentiment stands, to some degree.]

I don't feel what others feel. The way you do. [Empathy is not something that seems accessible to him, for better or - generally - for worse.] But I know what it feels like to go without. Might as well share, when there's no reason not to.

[It's too familiar. To have that memory so near and yet unattainable. He wishes he could just silence his thoughts and his conscience and take some of it back. Just find some happiness in these loneliest years of his sorry life.

It gets worse, of course. Xue Yang is despicable, that isn't up for debate. But to listen to him speak of his childhood, before everything went wrong, tugs - claws - at his heart. There is goodness there. It's just warped and overshadowed and not quite right.

Xingchen can't stand it anymore, though. He reaches out and presses his hands to either side of Xue Yang's face. His thumbs rub gently back and forth over his cheeks.]

That's... Is there no more of that kind of justice in your heart?

[His breath shallows and his heart beats faster.]

I want that.

[un: Chengmei] video

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