eastbound | [un: Chengmei] video

Pity.

[He sighs, probably more at the absence of candy than anything that's transpiring in their conversation. Probably. Because there is always a bit more, a bit more than he says, a bit more than he understands.]

I can make sense of-- Of why you say the things you do. Why you believe them. I know that it's because daohang feels it. It's not a lie or an act. You are like that.

I'm like me. Maybe I always would have been.

[But who's to say, who's to know? And what does it matter?]

Maybe wanted children stay wanted. And I see why you were wanted, when she took you to the mountain.

[It's in moments like these where Xingchen starts to feel the lines blurring between Xue Yang the murderer and Xue Yang the human. Of course he's the same person, just capable of both awful and sometimes decent things. But when he speaks without a layer of defensive bite, Xingchen can almost forget.

He remembers late nights spent talking with Xue Yang about nothing particularly important. Maybe plans for what to cook the next day. What candy Xingchen picked up that Xue Yang really liked.

Just...being friends.

Xingchen misses that friend, even though he's mere inches away.

He can't forgive Xue Yang for any of the crimes he's committed; didn't he even tell Wei Wuxian he never could forgive him? And yet now he's here, beside the person he shouldn't be, and moving ever so slightly closer toward him. His voice comes out softer, a little less impatient than a moment ago.]

You should have been wanted, too. I know that means nothing now. I know that can't change anything. But you should have had that.

I thought we both know that I shouldn't have been born.

[He snorts in amusement, because that's an easy escape. It is funny, after all, and his heart is beating faster than it should and his hands have tightened to fists, holding on to the fabric of his clothes. Why his body is doing that, he's not questioning, but he looks at Xingchen and his eyes burn a little. Familiar sensation, by now.]

Perhaps that's what'd be better for those children too. Does that break a curse? I wonder.

[...He did say that. Of course, Xue Yang remembers it, too.]

I was angry.

[He still is, really. Angry that Xue Yang is the way he is and acts so careless when he should be more thoughtful. Angry at the world for being as cruel as it is. Angry at himself for being such a failure.]

It is not a child's fault to be born. Taking that away in and of itself is fruitless. I also believe trying to break a curse without understanding what formed it to begin with solves nothing.

I'm always angry, but I still meant it.

[He shrugs at Xingchen's words and, without thinking and aware that Xingchen can't see him, he also hums in a way that reflects the notion of the shrug.]

Hm. If it breaks, it'd be useful enough.

And if you act recklessly and the curse remains?

[But Xingchen takes a breath and bites his tongue before he lets himself continue. He's arguing with Xue Yang who struggles with comprehending why people, anyone, should be allowed to live. He may have the moral high ground, but he's not going to win.

He sighs and pushes himself to his feet.]

I don't have all the answers. Anymore, I feel as if I have very few.

[A pause.]

Is there a well nearby? I'm thirsty.

Aish, daozhang, I'm not going to go and-- [He hasn't thought about it much, so even the concept of what he would be doing is a bit vague, so he hesitates a little, then says it with incredulous amusement in his voice.] --kill babies at random? I won't.

[He's already on his feet before Xingchen can finish asking his question.]

I'll find you something to drink. Don't bother looking, daozhang, you are too clumsy.

[Xue Yang can say he won't do something, but Xingchen struggles to trust that word. And with good reason, he thinks. Though, for all he knows, Xie Yang has stayed his hand when it comes to killing anyone since he showed up in this world. That has to count for something, too. He just doesn't know how to reconcile everything.

So maybe that's the irritation that swells up in him when Xue Yang announces he'll get Xingchen a drink. He frowns, voice stronger in volume than it usually is.]

Then let me be clumsy.

[A harsh breath leaves him as he tries to get himself under control again. He doesn't like being angry like this.]

I asked you to be my eyes, not my feet.

[When Xingchen sounds so angry, Xue Yang pauses and turns around, watching him as he tilts his head to the side. Then he sighs, whatever emotion causes that, and walks back, kneeling down a foot away from Xingchen.]

There's no well nearby and no water in most wells, daozhang.

[However, there is the sound of water in the pouch he's been carrying, that he pulls out now. He shakes it so that Xingchen can hear it clearly.]

I was going to pretend.

[Pretend to get water from a well, so that he could bring this back to Xingchen and ensure that he'd not feel guilty for drinking. As it is, he holds the pouch up.]

Do you want me to throw this, so you can use your feet to retrieve it?

[...Right. Of course. This village is going through a drought. How selfish of him.

Xingchen gives up as quickly as he had grown angry and sits back down, angling himself away from Xue Yang somewhat. How selfish. How stupid. And now he's here, having thrown a fit like a child and with nothing to show for it.

Xue Yang was trying to be kind for once in his life. And Xingchen scorned him. No wonder he holds so much resentment in his heart.

He hears the offered water and shakes his head.]

Thank you, but...save it for yourself or someone who really needs it. I'll fast.

A sip would not be taking too much, daozhang.

[His eyes are on Xingchen's face and he is not entirely aware of the fond expression on his own face. Either way, he puts the pouch down on Xingchen's lap, should he want any, and then leans forward to rest his chin on one of Xingchen's knees, because he sees his chance.]

I'll share with others too.

[He's being so good.]

I even shared when I was young. Do you believe me?

It could, later on.

[What if one sip is all it takes to save someone from death? Xingchen doesn't want to deprive anyone of that possibility, not when he's perfectly capable of going without.

Still, it comes as no surprise when Xue Yang leaves the water pouch in his lap, leaving the ultimate decision up to him. To give in or to hold fast.

What he doesn't expect - though he should with Xue Yang - is for the other man to rest his head on Xingchen's knee like a loyal dog. That mental comparison makes him feel a little sick, but it also...works. If Xue Yang weren't...him, Xingchen would be tempted to reach out and pet his hair. He keeps his hands to himself, though.]

I do believe you.

[There's no reason for it, just a gut instinct. Xingchen doesn't actually believe Xue Yang came out of the womb already hateful and ready to do heinous things. He had to learn that on his own.]

[This is far from the first time they've sat like this or similarly. But it's been a while, in a different life in a way, and Xue Yang knows better than to expect his hair to be petted. However, he also knows that it has to play on Xingchen's mind, from force of habit if nothing else, and knowing that Xingchen is thinking about touching him, there's satisfaction in that too.

So he smiles and shifts a little, settling down more comfortably.]

I've always shared when there was no reason not to. And sometimes because it pissed me off. The way they were treated.

[And there's a distinction, even so, between 'they' and 'I', but the sentiment stands, to some degree.]

I don't feel what others feel. The way you do. [Empathy is not something that seems accessible to him, for better or - generally - for worse.] But I know what it feels like to go without. Might as well share, when there's no reason not to.

[It's too familiar. To have that memory so near and yet unattainable. He wishes he could just silence his thoughts and his conscience and take some of it back. Just find some happiness in these loneliest years of his sorry life.

It gets worse, of course. Xue Yang is despicable, that isn't up for debate. But to listen to him speak of his childhood, before everything went wrong, tugs - claws - at his heart. There is goodness there. It's just warped and overshadowed and not quite right.

Xingchen can't stand it anymore, though. He reaches out and presses his hands to either side of Xue Yang's face. His thumbs rub gently back and forth over his cheeks.]

That's... Is there no more of that kind of justice in your heart?

[His breath shallows and his heart beats faster.]

I want that.

[Truly, he hasn't expected that. He falls still, doesn't even dare to breathe at first as Xingchen touches him like that, off his own volition. Finally, his breath hitches, but he still doesn't dare to move, because he's not sure what made this happen and he's not sure what could make it end.]

There is. When there's no reason not to.

[There's something here that connects their moralities. Finally, Xingchen has found this fragile thread that he feels really means something, that tells him Xue Yang isn't entirely lost. Maybe. He hopes. (He hopes?)

But it is a fragile thing. It could snap in an instant or for reasons Xingchen doesn't understand, just as Xue Yang doesn't understand how he sees the world.

Xingchen just holds Xue Yang like this for a time, trying to memorize this moment.

One hand shifts, fingers brushing over Xue Yang's hair. He whispers, afraid to shatter whatwver this is.]

There's always a reason.

[Xingchen is his reason. For anything and everything.

But he doesn't say that, because he has a feeling that it wouldn't be received well, even if he also suspects that Xingchen knows that it's true. He has certainly voiced similar sentiments before.

It's as if his scalp is on fire with the sensation of Xingchen's touch and Xue Yang breathes out slowly, pressing his lips together to keep from saying the wrong thing. He doesn't know what the right thing is, however.]

If you drink some, daozhang, then I'll be sure to share the rest.

[Such a simple touch, something so easily taken for granted. Xingchen allows himself to drown in it for now, to just touch a warm face and feel soft hair and remember a friendship severed but that never really was. He's found a precious bead of goodness in this wretch. He feels so, so lonely for it. Just for a while he wants to forget.

He can't save Xue Yang. This is a knowledge that blends with the marrow of his bones. He knows. He knows. But what would it be like to try? Xiao Xingchen is already a ruined man. He can't even save himself.

His hands frame that familiar face again, fingertips tracing defined brows and cheekbones, following the line of a nose, resting softly on pursed lips. And then, they fall away, back into his lap, resting against the water pouch left nearly forgotten.

He can't save Xue Yang, but he still gives into him, taking that water in his hands and sparing himself only a sip.]

Mn. Please.

[un: Chengmei] video

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