un: xianxian of yunmeng jiang | video

[weifinder]

( The recording shows a small toad, black and red and gold, sitting in the palm of one hand. In another hand a brilliant emerald green toad is held, pointed in the direction of the smaller toad.

The smaller toad shifts to look "toward" the display, lifting up on front legs to address the one recording by pendant. )

I don't want to kiss the toad, Lan Zhan! Hnnngh.

( The toad, who spoke in Wei Wuxian's voice, shifts his legs and tiny bulk back around to stare down the larger toad. Who inflates its throat and offers a long, wheezing croak. )

Ugh. Fine. For the sake of proving this works before anyone else suffers through this —

( He abruptly leaps forward, smashing his small toad face into the larger toad's face. How does one kiss a toad when one has no notably amount of lip? Both Wei Toadxian's front feet plaster against the larger toad's face, attempting to keep the other toad respectable. Holding the awkward position for excruciating seconds. He falls backward, kicking off the other toad, to flop back into Lan Wangji's open palm. )

Was that long enough? I don't —

( Abruptly the image shakes with a yelp of Wei Wuxian's surprise as the screen is filled with pale flesh, mud, and the sudden forward falling scramble of a man who has now found himself with a palm filled with the weight of an adult human male. Welcome to the darkness, shifting, squelching sounds of mud and an irate toad expressing its displeasure even as Lan Wangji's equally excruciatingly dry voice ends the video with a: )

... efficient.

Comments

[silverneedles]

Not in the brief glimpse we were granted.

[ Not that she had been paying attention. ]

Do confirm visually.

[downswing]

The... shape of him?

[silverneedles]

Would you rather I do a physical?

[downswing]

Shall I hold him still?

[silverneedles]

How likely is he to try and flee?

[downswing]

As you know him.

[silverneedles]

Then yes, you will have to hold him down.

[downswing]

Areas of concern?

[silverneedles]

Hands, feet, groin. Any folds of skin.

[downswing]

You must see his groin.

( Well, ofc. )

The doctor's wish be done.

[silverneedles]

Unfortunately. Unless you would prefer to do the honors yourself.

[ But she will be professional about it. ]

[weifinder]

You both know I'm hearing you, and congratulations! I've been wanting to set sail to visit these ladies of the lake, goodbye!

[silverneedles]

WEI WUXIAN.

[ Yes she is yelling over the device. ]

When you get warts, do not come whining to me about treating them.

[weifinder]

I'm too handsome for warts, don't worry, they won't find me!

( sounding increasingly further away from lan zhan's device )

[downswing]

( Again, with steely feeling: )

He will appear willing.

[weifinder]

( AWAY HE GOES, INTO THE BAREFOOT DAY )

[silverneedles]

That's not how it works, Wei Wuxian!

[weifinder]

It should be!

[silverneedles]

That means literally nothing.

[weifinder]

Yet it should! Why would I have warts? Catching all the frogs and toads in Yunmeng, never had any, not one!

[downswing]

He will appear willing before you.

[silverneedles]

Willingly? How do you plan to make that happen?

[downswing]

Honesty may offend your modesty.

[silverneedles]

What modesty?

[downswing]

( He is Surrounded. )