eastbound | un: daozhang

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un: daozhang | audio

I have been thinking lately, perhaps too much, about forgiveness. Or, rather, resentment, especially with regards to these curses we've been gifted. I don't know what everyone else has to break, but mine involves jealousy and, thus, its own kind of resentment. I think most lingering cases such as these stem from unhappiness along a similar vein.

As a cultivator, it is my duty to cleanse such resentment from the dead so as not to affect the living in their wake. I am willing to help anyone else who may need it, though I fear I may not be as much help as others. I'm not sure I'm the best at forgiveness, either, even for myself...

[Xingchen's voice trails off, almost as if he forgets he's talking to anyone else, but he quickly recovers and clears his throat.]

I'm rambling. What I mean to say is I would like your cooperation if it's not too much to ask. As I said before my curse involves jealousy and words spoken in anger and dissatisfaction. I would like for as many of us to instead spread words of affirmation around the village. It might sound silly, and maybe it is, but I believe even something so small can make a difference. For example, last night I told one of the bartenders he had a pleasing voice. It doesn't have to be anything complicated, just kind.

Don't feel as if I'm forcing you, either. No one has to help if they don't want to.

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[Xingchen gives that cheek a few gentle pats, then finally starts to pull his hand back. He pats around the basket and finds where he had left off so he can start working on that again.]

I just wish for this particular instance to be handled correctly. It should have nothing to do with me.

[Smirking, he releases those hands and gets back to work on his basket. He wraps the new piece of wood with fabric, bending it in the shape of the handle.]

Is it alright if you are part of my reason for being friendly?

[There really is no winning with this man. Xingchen shakes his head, a little smile on his lips.]

I suppose I can suffer being an inspiration.

[His hands keep working, tucking the band of wood into the other side of the handle. He ties on it, testing the integrity of his mending. Satisfied with this one, hepats around beside him until he finds another basket, this one with a growing hole in the side.]

And what of your own curse? Aside from the feelings of indifference, that is.

[Nope. No winning. Zishu is that difficult, though it comes from a good place!]

You make it sound so miserable.

[He learns from Xingchen's guiding hands and secures the wood, tying it in place neatly.]

I don't want to worry you. [Which...will worry him.] I am condemned to suffer the consequences of sloth and...lust.

[Bringing Xingchen's hand to his wrist, he murmurs:]

My wrists and ankles are bound with thick...bands. Like bruises.

I don't...have the same confidence in myself that I used to.

[Because of his own curse here, perhaps. Because of the time spent these last few years looking inward and learning things about himself. He tries not to dwell on it and he decides not to keep talking about it. He's already had a similar enough conversation with Zhou Zishu back at the lighthouse.

So he focuses on his friend's answer, his hands stilling long before one is brought to feel the shackles around Zhou Zishu's wrists. He frowns, worry evident in his expression.]

But that is all tied to your ancestor's curse, is it not? Have you any ideas how to offer atonement for that?

Let's rebuild it, my friend. One day at a time.

[He hasn't forgotten and he is just as determined to help Xingchen. If he can. Zhou Zishu would consider it an honor, honestly, but only because he doesn't consider himself worthy.

Releasing his hold on those gentle hands, Zishu tilts his head, smiling softly at the other's frown.]

It is. I am related to a priestess who took lovers rather than attending to her duties, apparently. If I...do her duties...maybe I can find release.

[Xingchen can only offer him a smile, tired of arguing against himself. Zhou Zishu is only trying to help, as well, and continuously shooting him down would only make things worse in the long run. One day at a time. He just doesn't know how many days that will take.

The proposed solution to Zhou Zishu's curse makes sense, however, and Xingchen nods.]

I don't see why that wouldn't be enough to break your curse. Unless her duties involve something with which you are uncomfortable.

[Zishu won't tire from arguing for Xiao Xingchen. There is such good in the other man. He won't let that spark - that light - die. If confidence is what Xingchen lacks, he will help him re-acquire it. That might sound simple, but he knows it will be a long battle uphill in the snow.

And he's ready for it.]

What would make me uncomfortable is taking multiple lovers. Any of her actual duties are bound to be quite...tame...in comparison.

[Taking multiple lovers would make the man who would kiss Xingchen without argument uncomfortable. Xingchen thinks this, but he does not say anything. Instead, he tilts his head to the side, amusement starting to quirk his lips. They're not the same thing, he's sure, but he's so inexperienced with romance or even lust that they seem similar enough at the same time.]

Ah, do not fret. I think you'll be safe, then.

[He then does something that will further confuse Xingchen.

He kisses his cheek. Softly, gently, smiling the whole time. Yes, there is a difference between sharing a kiss and sharing his body. He hopes that the daozhang learns how amazing the latter can be with the right person some day. He really deserves that.]

I choose what I do.

[There is certainly confusion, but only for a moment. Then he feels his face heat up, followed by a traitorous laugh that bubbles up from within. He raises a sleeve up to his face, as if hiding will do any good at this point. Between laughing breaths, he loudly whispers.]

Zhou Zishu!

[He clears his throat, trying to regain his composure.]

There. You've stolen your kiss. Little thief.

[Zishu doesn't regret a second of his little stolen kiss. Getting Xingchen to laugh lifts his heart and makes the bands on his wrists and ankles feel lighter.]

Xiao Xingchen?

[He pretends to be dumb, whispering back. Then he laughs.]

Your cheek was asking for it. You just didn't hear it.

[It really does feel good to laugh, and to hear a friend laugh in turn, even if it is at his own expense. Hearing Zhou Zishu laugh makes me laugh again and it takes him a few attempts to stop again before he lightly pats his own cheek, berating it.]

Stop that.

[The basket mending goes forgotten as he just enjoys this time with his friend, feeling more at peace with himself than he has in months, since before they all arrived in Taravast. There's still guilt weighing down his heart and uncertainty regarding his feelings on Xue Yang that flows through his veins, but for right now, he feels...okay.]

...Thank you.

Oh don't be so rough with it. [Zishu sounds far too amused for his words to be taken seriously. Seeing Xingchen "berating" his own cheek has him laughing again! And it feels good. There is nothing wrong with being silly sometimes. It's when you take things too seriously that everything looks menacing and dark.]

I like that cheek. [He will gladly help Xingchen catch up on his basket mending, but for right now - it's okay to be a little selfish. Zishu tucks his head onto his friend's shoulder at the gratitude, letting Xingchen know that he isn't alone.]

[This really is nice. Sitting here laughing, forgetting everything else for a time. The sun is warm, the breeze gentle. The weight of a friend against him a comfort as opposed to any kind of burden.

Xingchen sighs, content, doing nothing to hurry this moment on to the next. And he also realizes he hasn't had this kind of feeling in...years, probably. If ever. Gods, how he aches for it. He's always the one to offer his own shoulder for comfort or his hands for helping. He always wants to help. But it's exhausting and he's truly realizing that right now. They have plenty to do here, he knows, and he should lend his remaining talents to those issues, but it's so simple to just be.

Another realization hits him. He didn't have to do any work to feel this peace. But when it comes to Xue Yang and all that the man is supposedly trying to do to raise Xingchen's opinion of him, it feels like pulling teeth, one by one, with nothing to dull the pain. The two of them will never be able to have this. He shouldn't even humor that idea. He shouldn't humor Xue Yang at all.

Xingchen has made so many mistakes. He keeps making them, despite knowing better.

He breathes in and exhales once again, trying to clear his mind of all that. This day is too nice for any of it.]

I like your laugh. It's very warm. I imagine your smile is, as well.

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un: daozhang | audio

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