eastbound | audio { un: hide-and-seek }

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audio { un: hide-and-seek }

[ Clara isn't sure how long it is before she feels capable of having a conversation, one where she's able to coherently explain her interaction with the Child. She's been sitting with her thoughts, turning over every level in her mind, all the things she saw and felt. By the time the Doctor had found her on Level Three, she'd already been through enough to hide in a dark room, uncharacteristically unsure of what to do. They'd wound up getting to the top of the tower together, he'd seen her through the sickness, but he'd gone back for others. That had left her alone to talk with the Child when he appeared without a sound by her side. Now, it's time to share what she's learned.

She may be feeling up to conversation, but not enough for video, and after this, only enough to text. When she begins, her voice is already hoarse, rough around the edges. ]

Right, jumping straight to it this time 'round. I had an interesting conversation with the Child. The kid in the fox mask. He said some things I'm sharing so we can talk them out or whatever we need to do. This may be a coincidence since I dunno know what the tower was or wasn't manipulating at that point, but anytime he stood with his umbrella over me, I felt better, less like I was sick. I also still have it, the umbrella. He left it.

[ She'd tried to give it back to him, and he'd let her have it without saying anything about it. ]

Alright, I'll get to it because we're all exhausted. The conversation started when he told me I 'wouldn't like what I see' and followed that hit up with 'seeing the undead isn't the same as knowing what's happening.' I guess he knows about the dragon eyes and what they do. I asked him who could help us know what we need to understand the rest, but his only suggestion was to ask his parents. He mentioned his father knows everything. Lots of kids think that, though.

Third fact of fun: fox-face told me his father could help anyone except me. And I dunno if he meant me specifically or all of us? Because he finished that bit up by saying he—as in himself—'made things sick' but didn't mean to and he's sorry. The kid also referred to a 'him' and 'he' a lot. Mentioned if 'he' were here, 'he' would know why we were sick. I'm assuming the father is the same 'him,' but it was never clear. Could be two totally separate beings.

[ But here's where things get even more interesting. ]

Next, kid says he was in Serthica after a ship dropped him off to play with the dragons. He seemed pretty excited about the idea that said dragons were big enough to eat 'him.' Still dunno if that's different from dad.

[ Now for the real dick move: ]

The Child said he was playing with me, with us. I think I guilted him into admitting we're his toys, just playthings. The dollhouse built just for him with us as the living dolls. Then he was gone. Not before saying he was glad to have us as toys.

[ Clara rubs a hand over her face, sighing audibly. ]

Other fine details include: he doesn't know how to keep us from getting sick, he doesn't understand why we get sick or how to stop us from dying (so he claims), and he blamed me or...us, I guess, for coming to a place where the sickness is. He insisted he was a good kid who only came to play with dragons.

[ By the time she's done, she's satisfied she hasn't missed anything — hopes so at least. ]

That's all I know. Or at least it's all I can remember. Was a long day, but I don't have to tell you lot that. Hopefully, this helps with something.

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[ Clara can't help it, she laughs, but it sounds tired. ]

Wow, that sounds familiar. Where have I heard those exact words?

[ She won't give her that hard of a time, considering the circumstances. ]

Something happened on one of the floors. And always when I have nightmares, I see other versions of me — [ Swallowing, she takes a breath and lets it out before continuing. ]

Do you know if one of my echoes ever saved the Doctor from the Daleks?

[ River releases a soft breath that might almost be considered an attempt at a laugh, herself. ]

We've been married a long time.

[ So long they're starting to sound alike, making the same excuses and reassurances? She lapses into silence as she lets Clara work through what she wants to ask, and is silent still a few moments longer. ]

You saved him from so many things, some version of you, but so few were tangible enough for him to remember. She was. He loves you, you know. [ She's careful to use the present tense. ]

Do you want to talk about it?

It'd be cute if it wasn't completely infuriating. I'm allowed to worry.

[ There's a smile in Clara's voice, though to see it, it's small. She knows the Doctor loves her in his own way, and she knows it's a precious thing. Which is why she needs to know why that echo said that specific thing—nevermind that it was the tower manipulating her—because it had to come from somewhere. ]

Is that why he's afraid of me? [ She's never had anyone to talk this out with before. ]

I do want to talk about it, River, now I need to know. This is the most I've ever remembered of my echoes at once. I don't know if he's already gone through it or not. I assume he has, but he won't know how it was possible, he doesn't know that yet.

[ She pauses. ]

At least I don't think he knows. He's too clever for his own good, even if I'm trying to be careful. [ Another pause, and a hitch in her voice because she means to continue and stops, then starts again. ]

I don't care about the dying part, obviously, but why would she say that? That he left me?

You shouldn't have remembered them at all, Clara.

[ More to the point, she shouldn't have survived to remember any of it, but that isn't what she says because there had never been any doubt in River's mind the Doctor would find a way to save her.

But that isn't what Clara's asking about, it isn't what she wants, needs to know, and finally, she sighs. ]

I think, right now, he doesn't understand you. He isn't sure yet, who or what you are, and that terrifies him. [ She hesitates, not sure she's saying the right thing at all, but her next words are firm. ] It doesn't stay that way forever, Clara. Soon enough, that fear will come from not knowing what he'd do without you. And that scares him more than anything else in the universe, sweetie.

[ She goes quiet again. They've both died for the Doctor, time and again, given up pieces of themselves. They would both do it again. That doesn't make her any happier to talk about Clara's end, even the ends of her echoes. ]

Your echoes, the ones he was able to interact with, to remember...They died. You died. He couldn't save you.

The first time, with the Daleks, you were lost before he ever had a chance to try.

[ It makes sense; it kills her sometimes, to look at the Doctor and know she can't make him know her any faster, she can't make him experience the things she's already gone through. She can't imagine what it must have been like for River, always knowing him in reverse.

She worries, too, about the day she breaks the Doctor's hearts. It's inevitable, but she's protective of him, even from herself.

Listening, she feels her forehead furrow, but only in concentration. ]

I know even for an echo, and even if it was him who needed saving more, he'd still try to save me. Her. Them? [ Clara decides to tell River everything, to give her context. ]

I died inside of a Dalek, didn't I? Because it's what I saw in the tower, what I heard. But it couldn't've manipulated me without something to base it on. Something buried in the back of my memories, deep. The echo-Dalek said that right before it killed the Doctor. You left me. It was the first time I've felt so overwhelmed with remembering since—

[ Since Trenzelore, and she says the name of the place quietly, as if acknowledging it nay louder will bring about the Doctor's death yet again. ]

[ River's quiet, patient while she talks. There's only so much she can say, only so much she can do, to help Clara through what she's feeling. Much like her own experience in the tower, she can only wait until the ache lessens again. ]

I don't know what that tower was or wasn't capable of, but yes, that much it got right. You were still human enough, to save him, but that girl, that you, she'd died a long time ago.

He didn't share many details, you understand. He doesn't like talking about the days he loses. But we both know he has regrets.

[ Clara does understand. And she knew that River might not have all of the answers. But she's the only person who knows the Doctor, better even than Clara does, better than anyone. ]

I watched him get old. In the tower; on Trenzelore too. But in the tower that Dalek, that me, I killed him after he got old.

[ She'd tried to save him when she'd pleaded with the Time Lords for those lives. If you've ever loved him, she'd said. It was her who loved him, and she thought she'd won, thought her clever boy was back with her again. He'd gone and regenerated anyway. Her turn to lose. ]

The Dalek turned on me after that, and I don't really know what to think about it. Serthica needs therapists.

[ Her hearts ache for what Clara's going through, for what she's already been through and what she'll go through still in her future. ]

Oh, Sweetie.

The tower took our hopes and our fears and twisted them into something else, a warped nightmare we wouldn't want to walk away from but that some part of us would still believe.

[ Of course, therapy might not be a terrible idea for any of them. But River's never been keen on letting anyone inside her head, save the Doctor, and right now, she doesn't especially want him there either. ]

I've never been with him, when he regenerated. I wouldn't want to be.

[ It isn't an easy admission for someone who loves him so unquestioningly, whatever he looks (or acts) like, but Clara deserves at least that much honesty, to know that she understands how it must hurt. ]

But I did kill him. [ For once, she isn't treating it as a joke, and the weight of it settles heavily in her chest. They've talked about this already, but not the details. ] He survived, of course, he cheated, but there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. And worst of all, in some...misguided attempt to show me it was all right, he called me there to watch myself do it.

That feeling, Clara. For a part of you to be so angry, so hurt, by him that you lost him to it. Are you really surprised you turned on yourself next?

[ Clara's sitting with her back against a wall, drawing her knees up to her chest. The device is small enough that she can rest her device on one knee and her cheek on the other, arms wrapped around her legs. She's essentially curled up on herself and closes her eyes while she talks to River. ]

He can't think about how he hurts us, can he? There's no more room for it. I think that's how he decides who to keep the longest. [ Who's strong enough to take the pain and still make something of themselves, have a solid life? ]

Just before I was washed up on the beach, the last thing I remember, I was in a room with the mechanical people. Alone, because the Doctor left. I was holding my breath and I blacked out. Because he didn't come back; he's never, ever left me like that before, River.

[ She's still trying to make sense of it because he'd been pushing after his regeneration, literally running from her, and why wouldn't she think the worst? ]

No. He can't.

[ There's the slightest sadness there, but no anger. She can't be angry with him for protecting himself in the same way she's always tried to protect him. ]

He holds us so tightly he's afraid we might break, and then he can't get us far enough away from him.

[ Where they'll be safe. Or at the very least, where he can pretend they're safe and happy and living their lives. ]

He'll come back, Clara. He's still figuring himself out. But you can't really think he'd let you die again?

No, I could never think that.

[ The response comes automatically. ] But I thought it was a definite message. No more adventures with him, I thought he was moving away from me for good.

[ Putting the distance between them, pushing her away, exactly as River described. ]

He isn't? [ It's unfair to ask, Clara isn't supposed to know the future and River's the last person she wants to put in that position. But her words made it feel obvious, the verbal answer simply confirmation. ]

[ She shouldn't say anything, really. Too much foreknowledge can be dangerous, and River knows more than either Clara or the Doctor should know. ]

No, Sweetie. He just needs a little time.

[ Not that that isn't a lot to ask, but given the circumstances... ]

You're going to be so important to him, Clara. You know I can't tell you more than that.

But I know the Doctor better than anyone, and that face best of all. I can promise you he'll come around.

[ They've toed a line and Clara knows it, but she also doesn't need any more than that. ]

He's so...Scottish now. I've never met an angrier, more put-upon walking stereotype in my entire life.

[ There's hope if she can make observations like that. ]

It was whiplash. No more touch, no smiles, no anything that felt like him. Just distance. I was afraid giving him that would make it permanent. Maybe by not, I was making it worse.

[ At least now, if they ever leave this place, she can readjust her expectations. It'll get better. And with that thought, she can somewhat focus again on the present. ]

Did you go in together? To the tower, I mean.

[ She laughs quietly. ]

I'm sorry to say that mostly doesn't change. But he has his own kind of warmth.

[ And there's a softness in her voice that suggests he'd made her happy, at least for the time they'd had together. ]

We went in separately, but we found each other inside. Convinced a rather large, unhappy fellow water was wine. Goes by the name of Fred, throws a terrible party. I don't suppose you met him?

[ She actually rather hadn't minded that part of the experience. ]

Edited 2022-11-10 03:57 (UTC)

Fred? No, can't say I did. But there was a scarecrow that cut me up nicely. That was after the room with echo me. That's where the Doctor found me, trying to trap the bloody thing in a circle so I could get to the lever.

[ Clara rubs at the back of her neck, raising her head again and stretching her legs out in front of her. ]

How long did it take to convince Fred of the wine? The Doctor could probably sell ice to Eskimos if he really tried.

[ She makes a faint humming sound. ] Nasty thing, wasn't he?

[ That damn lift must have stopped on every floor. But to answer her question, ]

It probably wouldn't have taken any time at all if we'd have just gotten on with it. But you know, we thought we might have a chat first. He wasn't very talkative, unfortunately. Rather keen on trying to smash things at his...well, I was going to say feet, but I guess it was his torso, really.

Never ever ask the Doctor to talk about wine.

[ Clara laughs softly and tries to imagine it. ]

I once asked him about ale. He went all the way back to the BC era of Earth. Sometimes I just let him go on because it helps me fall asleep.

[ She says that with fondness, warmth in her voice. But that's followed with a soft sigh. ]

He calls me the impossible one, but I think I'll have to double down on bein' bossy now I've got two of you who love to pretend like you shouldn't matter to anyone.

He doesn't know a thing!

[ But there's fondness underlying her annoyance, turning what might otherwise have been an insult into something else. ]

He goes on and on, but it's just talking.

[ Much like she's doing now, avoiding the way Clara's called her out, called them both out. ]

But we had it perfectly handled. You don't actually think I'd let him meet his end under the fist of some would-be skeleton prince?

[ Never mind the fact he'd saved her first. ]

Edited 2022-11-10 23:25 (UTC)

See? Impossible, both of you.

[ She's getting huffy but in a way that makes her smile just a little, rolling her eyes. ]

You two are a good duo, I can't argue. Think we'll ever have a chance to breathe and sit down, the three of us?

[ That makes River laugh, and it's almost a relief, a moment of peace in the emotional tidal wave of recent events. ]

Oh, I imagine. Sooner or later. [ The briefest pause. ] Then again... I'm not sure the Doctor and I ever managed a quiet night until Darillium.

[ Clara doesn't know anything about that, she never will, but it sounds good, this quiet night. ]

And that time, it was with his angry eyebrows on board?

[ She's trying to feel more at ease about him, about this change in the Doctor. Still him underneath the bluster and gruffness. Certainly, River is doing that for her, and it's a little bit easier for her words to be lighter. ]

It was.

[ It's just two words, but they're filled with the calm and love and certainty he'd always made her feel. In that all-too-short time, she'd finally known what she meant to him. ]

He's softer than he seems. I could never convince him to stop running when he wore this face; he never really let me in. But once he gets a bit older, he'll give me that time without my having to ask.

[ Hearing that soothes something else that's felt unsettled inside of her, a crack in her heart. One of the things that endeared him to her instantly were his interactions with Merry, then later, Artie and Angie. The Doctor, this face she knows, is silly and all limbs and rambling sentences, but she's seen him so gentle and incredibly warm. All of that had seemingly gone away and she thinks, more than anything else, that had frightened her. He was supposed to be a different face, same man, and he wasn't. At least at first. To hear he hasn't lost that, it's good. ]

With age comes wisdom, or something along those lines, I've heard. It's good to know that, honestly.

[ She bites at her bottom lip. How long does it take, she wonders? ]

I haven't given him enough time; I was slow to wrap my mind around all of it. I didn't know what to do or how to help him, then he ran, so that was brilliant. But when he makes his way to you? I'm guessing any residual unnecessary attitude won't last long.

[ There's a soft laugh in her voice, imagining any version of him trying to talk back to River.

It's the first time Clara's realized if the Doctor settles down, there's a time she isn't traveling with him. But she doesn't want to know, and she would never—could never—ask River to give her any details. Everyone's time with the Doctor ends, one way or another. ]

I don't know if I'd go that far.

[ It feels good to laugh, especially at the Doctor's expense. ]

But I guess he's learned a thing or two.

We had our ups and downs. Of course we did. But when he finally caught up to me that last time, I think, maybe for the first time, he was ready to stop running.

[ Maybe only because they'd both known it was temporary. Or maybe because he really did just want to make her happy. Even now, his motivations aren't always clear to her. They both guard their emotions too closely, tell themselves too many lies. ]

I've known him so long, Clara, all his faces. He doesn't remember, mostly, but I never forgot. They're all different. Some of them haven't been keen on me at all, and others liked me very well. [ She's definitely smiling. ] But I can't help but love him, no matter where we are or which one turns up.

I understand how hard it can be, when he isn't the man you know, when he isn't the man who knows you. Still, I've never been able to see him any differently.

[ She sympathizes, and she wants to help Clara make her own peace with it. But it's hard for her, even now, to see it from a more typically human point of view. ]

[ She can hear the smile in River's voice and in turn, it makes Clara smile. ]

I think it's beginning to make sense in my mind. But the man could've taken a half-second to let me know how disoriented he would be. Imagine my surprise when he starts rambling about the color of his kidneys. [ There's a slight pause. ] He didn't like the color. Allegedly.

[ He's so ridiculous. But it's part of his charm. ]

I'll be easier on him, when I go back.

audio { un: hide-and-seek }

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