eastbound | [Video; UN: heavenly four seasons]

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[Video; UN: heavenly four seasons]

[Climbing lighthouses is just...beyond him. Unless someone wants to carry him on their back? So he is resting in the garden with the chickens. What? They're cute. Except when they try to steal his food.]

Tell me what you've found, hm? I'm ready to help. [Thus the sword that rests across his lap.] I can get you free even if I pay for it later.

[Rolling his shoulders, he pushes himself onto his feet and takes hold of aforementioned sword. He moves in a blur - like a dancer - striking out at invisible foes. Why? Because he can and because he needs to strengthen his stamina.]

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[How? By not foreseeing the horror a criminal could wrought? Xingchen is a good man and that is why he takes the blame so readily. And Song Lan is just as innocent. The emotions he felt are just...human. His only fault was in lashing out at Xingchen.

Of course Zishu knows nothing of the situation - or else he would be reminding Xingchen of his innocence as often as it takes.

He keeps hold of Xingchen's hand as they sit, sensing that some extra comfort might be appreciated.]

You can ask for more, you know. You can even tell me to shut up. I won't think less of you.

[When he joined Zhou Zishu today, he didn't expect to have this kind of conversation. He doesn't have this kind of conversation with anyone anymore, not after Xue Yang ended up being who he is, not after Xingchen had his sense of trust slashed so badly.

So many people here are kind to him and he wants to believe they're worth his trust, but how can he know for sure? How is he supposed to choose in whom to confide and who to simply keep close?

Zhou Zishu is kind and he allows him to keep hold of his hand, though Xingchen immediately shakes his head.]

No, it's...it's not you. I would never ask you to be silent, either.

[He heaves out a sigh and lets his shoulders drop.]

It's... I've always trusted too easily. I just didn't realize until it was too late.

[Xue Yang better be sleeping with one eye open once (or if) Zishu discovers the truth. He has no tolerance for that kind of cruelty. That's the very same cruelty that broke Wen Kexing and, to a degree, that is the same abuse he suffered under his cousin, the Prince Jin.

Trust is...difficult to give and difficult to receive after suffering so much. Zishu might not be the best person to give advice, but he can see his friend struggling.]

You're sweet. [That sigh has him holding Xingchen's hand between his palms, waiting patiently.]

Even knowing a person well won't stop a betrayal. [He wishes it were otherwise.] What you can depend on is your senses, Daozhang. Don't ignore warning signs and protect yourself. You are also more than welcome to ask for help. I don't take betrayal lightly and I do believe in justice.

[He wants to trust Zhou Zishu fully. He feels like this man is good and deserving of it, but that's the whole problem anymore. If he wants to be more careful, then where does hw draw the line between self-preservation and letting the worthy stay close?

Zhou Zishu says all the right things, especially about believing in justice, and Xingchen rests his other hand on their joined ones, leaning into him slightly. He stays like that for a time, listening to the chickens and the crashing of the waves. If this conversation hadn't been introduced, he thinks he could fall asleep like this.

But he's not that lucky.]

I don't have many senses left.

[A bad joke, but he forces out a short huff of a laugh.]

I don't know if I can trust what's left of me. The...last time I confided in a friend, he...ended up not being who I thought he was.

I realized I wasn't who I thought I was, either.

[He's not good. He's not sweet. His hands have too much blood on them for any of that.]

Ah...please forgive this one. He knows he is burdensome.

[His sweet friend is welcome to sleep. Zishu knows how difficult it can be at times and if he can be a comfort, he will consider that an honor! But, unfortunately, he has introduced a difficult topic. He leans into Xingchen too, resting their heads together at those sad words.]

Neither do I.

[The decay has been slowed, but all of his senses are damaged. It's difficult navigating the world without them. It almost feels like he isn't part of this world anymore.]

He failed you; you didn't fail him. And we learn about ourselves with each friendship we make. You might have discovered things you don't like about yourself and that's okay. We're not perfect, but we're alive. We can keep trying.

[He bows his head over their hands, smiling sadly.]

You're not in the least burdensome. If you're scared to trust me...or anyone...that's okay. I still want to protect you.

[Zhou Zishu may not be holding him in a typical embrace, but their closeness still manages to calm Xingchen somewhat. That, or he just grows tired of this sort of talk quickly. But he takes some moments to simply exist like this.]

I'm sorry.

[For what, he's not entirely sure. It just feels right for him to say. He moves the fingers of his hand to gently brush against Zhou Zishu's wrist. Both of them are a little broken, aren't they?]

Your meridians, right?

[And then, despite being unsure if he can trust Zhou Zishu, he does feel like he can. His gut hasn't always been the best indicator for him, but he's been carrying around this horrible knowledge for two, three months now. It weighs him down, and even though he's spoken to a couple people he also feels he can trust about it, there's still this desire to confess. Maybe if he does it enough times, he won't have to drag it around as long.

That probably isn't the case.]

I've done things I can never forgive. I'm not sure how to keep trying.

[Existing is...essential. They must find peace somehow or life will simply become too difficult. Zishu tuts at the apology and caresses Xingchen's fingers.]

For what? You've done nothing to me.

[The touch makes him smile and he sighs, nodding. His meridians are a mess, but...there is hope. While he is alive, there is always hope.]

I did it to myself, Daozhang. I don't want you feeling bad for me.

[He waits until Xingchen says more, sensing that there is something bubbling just beneath the surface. The guilt he hears in that gentle voice angers him - though the emotion isn't directed at Xingchen. Zishu is angry at the one who has caused his friend so much grief.]

I cannot believe you did those things on purpose.

I just don't like it when others are in any sort of pain. I know I can't save everyone, but that's what I've always wanted to do.

[Slowly, Xingchen pulls away to sit up straighter.]

I just wanted to save people. Instead, I...

[His voice trails off, a tremor in it making itself known. Xingchen pulls his hands free and bows his head. Shame floods his entire being and he can hardly break a whisper.]

...I killed innocent people. It doesn't matter if it was on purpose.

[No matter how much he regrets, he can't take it back. He can't fix what he's done.]

Daozhang, you have eased my pain immeasurably. [Since that means so much to Xingchen, Zishu will make himself clear.] When we met, I was losing my will to try; to even move from that lovely garden. But after speaking to you, I made myself stand. I started my training again.

[He wraps an arm around the other man, unwilling to lose contact.]

That happens more than you realize. What matters is that you carry on and ensure it never happens again.

[If Xingchen weren't suddenly so deep in his regret, the words would hit him harder. They do hit him, but he doesn't know how to react. Of course, he's happy that Zhou Zishu found some strength in himself, prompted by Xingchen or not, but it can't fill the bottomless hole in his gut.

When that arm tugs him close, he goes without a fight, his head resting on Zhou Zishu's shoulder. A part of him wants to tell this man to take what's left of him if it gives him the will. At least let him be used for something good since he isn't sure he can do that himself. But he has enough cognizance to know that would be an upsetting thing to say and counterproductive to what Zhou Zishu is trying to do for him.

He puts on a smile, not really feeling it, but making some effort.]

Putting a stop to my actions isn't enough, though. I can't help those people or make things right for them.

[Maybe he's stuck looking at the trees instead of the forest, but every individual part of the whole is important, right?

Taking a breath, he gently pats at Zhou Zishu's chest.]

You have to be careful or I'll cry. I can't shed real tears anymore.

[Just blood.]

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[Video; UN: heavenly four seasons]

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